


His Broken Toy

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Childhood Memories, Family Secrets, Fluff, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Lies, Loss, M/M, Punishment, Smut, Starting Over
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-16 09:13:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8096416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: The Angels have finally caught up with Cas. Zachariah demands that he be punished for exercising free will, for turning on his family all for the sake of one human. Disavowment or death would be too simple. Zachariah is determined to take what Cas loves most, the one thing that Cas can't live without.





	

Sam could feel blood running down the back of this throat, an almost bone crushing force was pressing him against the wall. All he could do was watch while his brother was held with his arms behind him, the point of a blade resting against his chest. 

"You defied your orders, Castiel. You were to retrieve Dean Winchester and bring him to us, but instead you have been aiding him. You defied Heaven's orders for the sake of a single human. You exercised free will, and that is punishable."

Sam cringed when he saw the fist connect with the side of Dean's face, dropping him to his knees. "If you need me so fucking bad, then why are trying to kill me? Doesn't make much sense, asshole."

Zachariah walked in a circle around where Dean was being held in the middle of the concrete floor, "You certainly are arrogant, Dean. None of this is about you. No matter what we do, we can always bring you back. This is about Castiel and his weakness."

Cas took a step forward, "Zachariah, this isn't necessary."

"Oh, but it is. You hid the Winchesters from us. You deliberately chose humanity over your family. Do you really think that Dean Winchester is worth it?"

"First you tell a guy that he's important enough that you needed to retrieve his soul from hell, then you tell him that he's not worth shit? You're really messing with my self esteem here."

Sam watched as another hard punch landed, this time bloodying Dean's nose and splitting his lip.

"I'm starting to think that you don't like me very much." Dean said, spitting blood at Zachariah's feet.

"Zachariah, just let them go. If you want to punish me, then punish me, but the Winchesters have done nothing wrong."

Zachariah laughed, "The Winchesters have done a lot of things wrong. But, that's not what this is about. You need to learn, Castiel. I'm not going to disavow you, I'm not going to kill you. I'm going to take away your favorite toy."

Sam tried to yell, but the pressure on his chest was too much. Cas was an angel, Cas could heal them, but Sam knew that he didn't have the power to bring Dean back from the dead. Without warning, the angel holding the blade against Dean's chest pulled it back into his sleeve and Zachariah stepped forward, stopping just in front of Dean. "This is going to hurt your sweet little 'Cas' a lot more than it is going to hurt you," he smiled as he reached out and touched two fingers to Dean's forehead. The pressure against Sam's chest faded and he watched Dean slump over as the angels disappeared, leaving him, Dean, and Cas alone. Cas was already on his knees, bending over Dean when Sam finally made it across the room. He looked down at his brother then at Cas. He was confused. The only time he'd ever seen an angel touch a human in the way that Zachariah had just touched Dean was to heal them. Dean was still bleeding and he was unconscious. "He's alive. He's hurt, but he's alive. They erased his memory, Sam. When he wakes up he isn't going to know who we are. He isn't going to know who he is. He will know nothing of his life."

\-------------------------

Cas and Sam both took a step back when Dean moaned and started moving. He sat up, touched the back of his head and just stared at the fresh blood on his fingers. "I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it wasn't either of you who kicked my ass or you wouldn't just be standing there looking at me. What in the hell happened?"

"There was a fight..."

"Well no shit," Dean cut Sam off. "I figured out that much. I'm alive, so apparently I didn't lose. What I do want to know is where in the hell am I?" He tried to stand, but stumbled backwards. Out of habit, Sam reached for him but he pulled away and righted himself. "I'd also like to know who in the hell you are."

"Do you remember anything?" Cas asked quietly.

"Would I be asking you if I did? Nice outfit, by the way."

Cas looked down at his cheap suit and trenchcoat, then back at Dean. He didn't have the power to fix this, only an archangel could bring Dean's memory back. Cas knew that the longer he went without knowing who he was, what he was, the more damaging it would be when he found out. He turned and looked at Sam who just shrugged his shoulders almost imperceptibly. Neither one of them knew what to do.

Sam put his hands out slowly in front of him. He knew Dean, and he knew the minute that Dean felt caged he would strike. "Okay, listen, you asked who we are. I'm your brother, Sam. Does that ring a bell?"

"My brother? If I had a brother I'd remember..." Dean looked around the empty factory, his faced masked in confusion. "You're going to have to help me out here because I'm not remembering shit."

"You took a pretty hard hit," Sam lied. "Hard enough that I'm not going to bother to ask you how many fingers I'm holding up. It was hard enough that I'm going to ask you if you remember your name."

Dean reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. Sam took a deep breath, he didn't know if Dean had an actual ID or was carrying one of the fakes that they used when they worked cases.

"I'm guessing that Dean Winchester is the right answer? Damn, am I really this good looking?"

Sam sighed with relief, "We'll let you figure out the good looking thing when we get you back to the motel and cleaned up."

"Wait, you just expect me to go back to a motel with you?"

"Dean, I'm your brother, Sam. Here..." Sam extended his hand, his drivers license held between two fingers. Dean grabbed it and read it over before handing it back.

"And him?"

"That's Cas. He's a friend. He, uh, doesn't have any ID on him."

"Cas? Does he have a last name?"

"No," Cas said quietly.

"No last name? Like Madonna or Prince?"

"Listen, we can talk more but we should probably get out of here. You don't remember us, but you said yourself that we obviously aren't the ones you were fighting with, so let's just go back to the motel and see if we can figure this out." Sam said patiently. He desperately wanted to call Bobby.

Dean took one more look around, looked down at the blood all over his shirt, and turned to look at Sam and Cas. "Well, I've got nowhere else to be, so I might as well. I just hope that it took more than one guy to do this to me."

"Oh trust me, it did." Sam said, walking out of the warehouse with Cas and Dean behind him. "The car keys are in your pocket. Why don't you toss them to me and I'll drive us back." Dean threw the keys to Sam before they turned the corner.

"What in the...that car..."

"That's your car."

"Give me the keys back."

Sam sighed, "like I said, let's just get back to the motel and see if we can figure this out." Dean begrudgingly climbed into the passenger seat and waited for Sam to start the engine. He didn't know who in the hell he was, who in the hell they were, or what in the hell had happened, but he had nowhere else to go.

\-------------------------

They got to the motel and Dean just stood in the middle, looking at the cheap room. Nothing looked familiar to him.

"That's your bag on the bed. Why don't you grab some clothes and take a shower. Are you hungry?"

"Now that you mention it, yeah. And I could seriously use a drink."

"Okay, after we're all cleaned up we'll go grab something to eat." Dean nodded and headed towards the bathroom. When the door closed behind him, Cas gave Sam a look that asked a million questions. "Cas, I need to go outside and call Bobby. I'll try to make it quick." Sam tried to smile at him reassuringly before he closed the motel room door softly behind him.

\-------------------------

"Bobby, we have a serious problem, and I mean serious...It's Dean. I don't have a lot of time to get into it and the short version isn't going to make a lot of sense, but Dean has amnesia...The angels found us and they wiped his memory...yeah, wiped it clean. He had to look at his ID to know his own name...some type of punishment for Cas...I know...yeah that's what I thought too so we'll head out in the morning and we should be there by dinner time...all I can say is that right now we are fucked.

\-------------------------

"So apparently I really am that good looking" Dean was running a towel across his damp hair. His lip was split, there were cuts on his forehead and cheek, and one eye was swollen. "Now you," he said, pointing at Sam. "You look like you took a few punches. But you," he turned and looked at Cas's unmarked face, "you must be a lover and not a fighter?"

"Something like that," Cas mumbled, looking at the floor.

"Is he always like this?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Sam answered, "let me get cleaned up and we'll go."

Dean sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on his boots, "So Cas, eh? Is it short for anything?"

"Castiel."

"Castiel? Seriously? There's got to be a story behind that, but considering that I didn't even know my name until a couple of hours ago, we can save it for another time."

Cas knew that although he may have no memory, Dean was still Dean. He covered confusion and fear with sarcasm and humor. At least he was taking them at their word, believing that they weren't the enemy. Cas was riddled with guilt. He needed an archangel. He was really nothing more than a foot soldier, he didn't think that any of them would want to get involved. They were taught to love humanity, but they wouldn't go against a brother for one human being. Not like he had.

"It is a pretty unbelievable story."

"So what's up with the suit and trenchcoat? It looks like Sam and I should be models for Lumberjack's Unlimited or some shit."

"I don't know, I never really thought about it."

"No offense man, but you're a little strange."

"That's not the first time you've said that, although it's probably the nicest way you've worded it."

"So I'm an asshole?"

Cas couldn't help but smile, "most of the time you are."

\-------------------------

Dean threw a charming grin at the waitress when she set his plate in front of him. "So, I'm older...four years. I checked the dates on the ID's. Any other siblings?"

"Uh, no, just us." 

"Parents? I mean obviously we have them, where are they?"

"Mom died when we were kids, I was just a baby. Dad died a couple of years ago. But we have an uncle, Bobby. I figured that we'd head up to his place tomorrow. If anybody can help us figure this out, it's him." Sam said cautiously. For somebody who was inherently angry and had a short fuse, Dean seemed to be taking this too well. Dean just nodded and continued eating.

\-------------------------

He was staring at the dark ceiling, trying to ignore the sound of his 'brother' mumbling unintelligibly in his sleep. He didn't doubt Sam and Cas's story. Granted, he and Sam didn't look much alike, but somehow he just knew that Sam was his baby brother. There was something a little off about Cas. The guy barely ate, he barely talked, and he looked ridiculous in his suit and trenchcoat. Dean couldn't imagine how he ended up a part of their lives, but apparently they were close enough to all be together during a fight. There was just something a little unnerving about how the guy looked at him. Dean was going to drive himself crazy trying to figure it out. He sat up quietly and threw his boots on. He shut the door softly behind him and just stood outside of the room breathing in the fresh air. He ran his hands up and down his arms, realizing that he should have grabbed a jacket.

"Cold?"

Dean about jumped when he heard the voice next to him. He looked down and saw Cas sitting on the sidewalk, leaning back against the wall. "What are you doing out here? I thought you went to your room to get some sleep?"

Cas didn't have a room, Cas didn't need to sleep. He didn't need to eat either, angels didn't have human needs. He'd picked at his food during dinner so that Dean wouldn't ask questions. "I can't sleep. Insomnia."

"Yeah, well I don't know if it's insomnia or just a fucked up head, but I'm having a hard time myself. According to my ID I'm barely past the big 3-0, and I remember roughly 12 hours of it. It's been a long fucking 12 hours. I've got to move around, walk, do something."

"Do you mind if I come with you?" Cas asked quietly.

"Nah, come on." Dean reached down to help Cas up and they started walking across the parking lot. "I was hoping that I'd fall asleep, that I'd wake up and this would all be a dream. It's a pretty fucked up feeling when you have to look at your drivers license just to know who in the hell you are."

"I can't imagine..."

"So, tell me about Sam. Besides the fact that he borders on freakishly tall, what's he like?"

Cas chuckled, "He does have a physical presence. Sam is smart, I guess that's the first thing that comes to mind when I think about him. He's kind, but he's tough."

"Wife? Kids? Girlfriend?"

"No, he had a serious girlfriend, but he's never gotten over losing her. That was before I came into your lives, so I never knew her. He doesn't talk about it much."

"What about us? Me and Sam?"

"Polar opposites in most ways. You've spent most of your life taking care of him, watching out for him. You would do anything for Sam, and he would do anything for you. Family is everything. You, Sam, Bobby..."

"That's all I have? Sam and Bobby?"

Cas felt a twinge, if only Dean remembered how much he meant to Cas. "That's your family, Sam and Bobby. Bobby is a wonderful man. He comes off as gruff, but he's really just a big teddy bear. His wife died young and he never remarried, he never had children. He considers you and Sam his own, but he's always favored you."

"Why?"

Cas knew that he needed to be careful. He couldn't go into how damaged, how broken Dean was. What his life had been like, how he had been raised. The Dean from yesterday knew that angels exist. He knew that demons exist, he knew that a demon killed his mother and Sam's girlfriend. He had memories of being raised to hunt things, kill things, all of the monsters that most people don't believe really exist. Now he was one of those people who probably didn't believe. He had no idea who and what he really was. "I think that Bobby just sees a lot of himself in you."

"So am I really an asshole?"

"Sometimes, but not usually to the people that you care about. You have your moments."

"Wow..."

"Don't get me wrong, Dean. When it comes to those that matter to you, you would lay down your life for them. You are a very passionate person, and maybe being an...asshole...is a byproduct of that. I don't know. I just know that I've seen a whole other side to you. You do care, and you care deeply."

They walked quietly for awhile while Dean tried to absorb everything that Cas had told him. He still found Cas a little strange, but there was something about him. He felt drawn to him, he felt like he could trust him.

"So us? How did we meet?"

Cas didn't know what to say. He couldn't exactly tell Dean that he'd raised his soul from hell, after Dean had made a deal with a crossroads demon in order to save Sam's life. He couldn't tell him that he'd defied orders and protected him when he realized that the angels did not have good intentions. "It's complicated. I guess the easiest way to put it is that our paths crossed while we were working and somehow we became friends."

"What about you? Wife? Kids? Girlfriend?"

Cas laughed, "No. Never have and never will. I guess I'm just not made that way. I have family, we used to be close but we've grown apart."

"I should probably ask about me. Wife? Kids? Hot girlfriend?"

"No, sorry. I think that maybe you aren't made that way either. I guess that some people would refer to it as commitment issues."

They walked in silence again. He may not remember anything, but he had a feeling that Cas was right.

"Are you coming to our uncle's with us?" Dean finally asked.

"I hadn't really thought about it."

Dean stopped walked and looked up at the night sky, rubbing his arms. "Well it sounds to me like all I have is this uncle, Sam, and you. I don't know the situation, I don't know how everybody fits, but if you want to tag along..."

"If you want me to, I will." If only Dean remembered that they shared a profound bond, that Cas would do anything for him.

"You might as well. At this point I've known you for my entire life, all 13 hours of it now. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up and get my memory back. I need to do something, I'm afraid I'm going to end up losing my fucking mind."

Cas desperately wanted to say that's what he was afraid of too, but there were so many things that he couldn't tell Dean, that none of them could tell Dean. His life didn't make sense, it didn't sound real and he either wouldn't believe it, or it would break him even more than he already was. Sam told Cas to just play it cool for now while he and Bobby worked on a backstory, the life and times of Dean Winchester. A nice way of saying that they had to come up with an intricate web of lies just to keep Dean safe and sane. Cas knew that he needed to speak to Gabriel, the only archangel who may listen to him, but he didn't hold out much hope. Dean may live the rest of his life not knowing who any of them really were.

"Well, I'm freezing my ass off so I'm going to sneak back inside. I'm guessing at some point I got used to Sam talking in his sleep. I'll have to learn that one again."

"That's okay. He says that you snore. Goodnight Dean."

"Goodnight Cas."

Cas watched Dean walk towards the motel room, his breath showing in the chilled air. As an angel he wasn't supposed to feel emotions, but Dean coming into his life had changed that. Right now he felt a sense of loss. He felt lonely. He was feeling all of the things that Zachariah had wanted him to feel.

\-------------------------

It was simple two lane highway almost all of the way to Bobby's, so Sam gave Dean the keys to the 1967 Chevy Impala. Driving had always calmed Dean. The calmer he was, the easier the trip would be. Just as he had always done, Dean slid a classic rock cassette into the tape deck and turned the volume up before they'd even left the motel parking lot. 

The sun was starting to set when Sam directed him down the gravel drive of Singer Salvage. Dean put it into park and sighed deeply, hesitating before he turned off the engine. He was lost and confused. So far he felt like he had a pretty good read on Sam and Cas. They seemed like they cared, like they wanted to help, but now there was this uncle. He didn't know what to expect. He opened the door and pocketed the keys before he looked at the house. He saw a gruff older man coming down the stairs at them. Dean could see a forced grin through the full beard, but there was a sadness in his eyes.

"Sam," Bobby said quietly, nodding before wrapping his arms around him. He just reached out and shook Cas's hand. Cas wasn't a hugger, angels weren't comfortable with physical contact. He finally turned to Dean. "Dean, we're going to get this worked out, boy. I've already been checking medical books. Don't you worry, we'll get you squared away. I know that you don't remember me so I guess I could introduce myself. I'm your uncle, Bobby Singer." Bobby reached his hand out and the air became thick and tense. Dean had always looked at Bobby as more of a father than John Winchester. Bobby had been one of the few people who Dean felt he could trust enough to let his guard down. Bobby was the only person who Dean really listened to when he called him out on his shit. Dean finally stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the burly man, patting him on the back. He just knew, he felt that this man wanted to help him. Bobby was taken aback, but pulled Dean into a bear hug. Nobody noticed the tears in his eyes. These boys, they were his, and he would do whatever it took to get Dean back. "I got dinner waiting for you boys so let's just grab your things and get you loaded into the house. Cas, do you want to show Dean around? I could use some help from Sam. Oh, and Dean, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you might like a drink? All I've got is some rotgut, but you're welcome to it."

"A drink sounds great. Thanks, uh, Bobby." Dean tried to smile. Cas gave Sam a questioning look while Bobby poured the drink. Sam shrugged his shoulders and pointed at the floor shaking his head. Cas was not to let Dean see the basement. Bobby had a supernatural safe room down there that would be impossible to explain. The thousands of volumes of lore in his library were going to be hard enough. Bobby handed a glass to Dean, Dean lifted it in his direction before tilting it to his lips and smiling. He turned to follow a confused Cas. Cas didn't really know his way around Bobby's, he'd never even been upstairs, but he'd do his best.

"So what in the hell happened, Sam?" Bobby whispered when he saw that Cas and Dean were out of earshot.

"The angels. They found us with Cas. They smacked me around a little and just held me in the corner so that I could watch the real show. Zachariah, that big bald asshole, had Dean in the middle of the floor with some lackey holding an angel blade to his chest. He was just talking a lot of shit about Cas turning his back on them for humanity, actually not for humanity, for Dean. Of course Dean couldn't keep his damn mouth shut so they beat him pretty good, but you can see that. Zachariah said he was going to make Cas suffer and 'take away his favorite toy'. I thought they were going to kill him, but this...this is almost worse. I don't know what to do here, Bobby. Our entire lives have been about one thing, and it's one thing that we can't talk about. He hasn't asked a lot of questions, but he will."

"Well, I figured for the time bein' we use the traveling exterminator story. We tell him that your mother died in a house fire, your father died in a car accident. If he asks about the books, we'll just convince him that I'm some type of nut."

"That won't be hard."

"Shut up, Sam, this is serious. But what about Cas? That angel boy is the walking definition of 'one of these things ain't like the others'. How do we explain him?"

"He knows that Cas is a friend, he hasn't asked much beyond that. We'll need a backstory for that one too and we'll probably need it quick. I'm still trying to get a feel for how much of Dean is really in there. He picked the same music, he drove the same. I only had to give him basic instructions on how to get here. He seems to be the exact same pain in the ass, he just doesn't know where we've been or what we've done. That would be a hell of a story to be told. Cas said that our only hope is another archangel, but that's a long shot. And this isn't the type of thing that he may just wake up one day and remember. It's not like he hit his head. This was done to him. There's a good chance that this is a forever thing, and I don't know what to do."

"You hang up the salt, silver, and iron. I acquire myself a new mechanic at Singer Salvage and a new research partner. Everything will change Sam, but I don't know that it's a bad thing. At least I'll know that you boys are safe. There are a lot of things that I'd be fine with Dean forgettin' about."

"Yeah, but then there's Cas..." Sam stopped talking when he saw Cas and Dean walking through the living room towards them.

"Nice digs. Much more charming on the inside than the outside." Dean smiled, letting Bobby take his glass to refill it. "I see that you've got a couple of spare rooms upstairs, and I don't know how this all normally works, but Sam and Cas are welcome to those. I think I'd rather take the couch if that's okay. Shared some quality insomnia time with Cas last night, and I don't know that I'll get any sleep tonight."

"We can worry about that when the time comes, but it shouldn't be a problem. Whatever you need Dean, you just let this old man know."

"Um, I need to go see my brother for a couple of days. Family business that we need to work out. I was going to leave tomorrow." Cas said, looking at Sam.

"Uh, yeah, sure I can give you a ride to the bus station." Sam wanted time in the car with Cas to find out what in the hell, if anything, he and Dean had talked about last night, and they couldn't let Cas just disappear like he normally would. He had to look human.

"Thanks Sam."

"Okay boys, this dinner ain't going to eat itself."

"It probably wouldn't want to." Sam grinned.

"Shut up and sit down Sam Winchester. Show this old man some respect." Bobby smiled. "You've been eating this slop for years and it hasn't killed you yet."

\-------------------------

Dinner had been quiet, nobody said much and again Cas just picked at his food. They all sat down to relax in the living room that doubled as Bobby's library. Bobby was a former hunter and self taught expert on supernatural lore. He was the unofficial information and dispatch line in the hunting life. Bobby Singer was everybody's go-to. Sam and Bobby tried to hide their nerves, they were both afraid that Dean might start off with the hard questions. Sam had to catch Cas's eye and signal for him to sit down instead of just standing like he normally did. He realized that Cas hadn't become as human as they'd thought. Dean seemed relaxed, but he'd been drinking.

"So Bobby, you last name is Singer. I'm guessing that you are our uncle on our mother's side?" He finally asked.

"Well, not exactly. We don't share blood. I'd known your father since you were just kids. You always called me uncle Bobby and I guess it just stuck. The only blood you've got is that tall one over there."

Dean looked at the three other men, "Well blood doesn't make a family, right? And I'll take all of the family that I can get right now."

Bobby smiled at Dean, and then Sam. That had always been the way things were. Family don't end in blood. 

"So how did you know our father?"

Bobby took a deep breath, this is where the intricate web started. "John was a traveling exterminator, mechanic, handyman. Kind of a jack of all trades. We were in a similar line of work and got to know each other. You boys took a liking to me, more to this old salvage yard than anything, so he'd let you come stay with me for a few days at a time while he was working special jobs. You traveled around a lot, this was the closest thing you had to a home other than that car out there."

"That was his?"

"He gave it to you not long before he passed." Bobby just hoped that Dean was buying what he was selling.

"Now I get the mechanics and handyman part, but traveling exterminator. What in the hell does that even mean?"

It was Sam's turn to delve into the intricate web. "Different things. Dad was one of the guys who took on jobs that others couldn't handle, like large infestations or animals. He could kill anything. There isn't a lot of consistent work so we traveled and he did other things on the side."

"So we never settled anywhere?"

"Nope, just a lot of cheap motels or short stay apartments." Sam had decided to tell as much of the truth as he dared. He didn't want to try and convince Dean that they had a home, he didn't want to make up a place that Dean may want to see someday, a place that Sam couldn't show him.

"Where we were born?"

"The beautiful town of Lawrence, Kansas. We've passed through it a couple of times over the years, but the only family we have there is in the cemetery. No aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. What you see here is all that's left of the Winchesters or the Campbells. That's mom's family. God, I haven't even told you her name. Her name was Mary, give me a second and let me dig through some stuff. I have a few pictures of mom and dad, us when we were kids if you want to see them."

"Of course."

Sam dug the box out of the bottom of his bag, careful not to dislodge their father's journal. That journal mapped out a lifetime of him and Dean being dragged around the country and taught how to hunt monsters, how to seek vengeance. It wasn't something that Dean needed to see, and he'd taken both the box and journal out of Dean's bag while he'd been in the shower the night before. He got the box out and handed it to him. They went through the well handled pictures one by one, Sam giving as much detail as he could. 

"Well I guess we know who I look like," Dean said, holding a picture of John with the boys. They had the same dark hair, and the same intensity about them. "You look a lot like her, Sam," he said almost gently. He'd been told that his mother died when he was young, but he couldn't help but grieve the beautiful blonde woman in the pictures, holding baby Sam and laughing with Dean as a toddler. It was a different feeling entirely when he looked at pictures of their father. He didn't feel anything soft or melancholy. He didn't know why, but he felt almost resentment towards a man he couldn't remember. "This is it? This is all we have of them?"

"Other than the car, yeah. We lost everything else in the fire. That's how she died, Dean. She was killed in a house fire. You carried me out and Dad went back in to save her. We almost lost them both that night. He died in a car accident a few years ago."

Dean's eyes were watery and between the liquor and stories about his parents, his head was starting to spin a little. He'd had enough for one night. After gently running his finger across a picture of Mary kneeling down next to him, holding Sam, he put it back in the box and set it on the coffee table.

Cas and Bobby just watched the exchange between the brothers. Cas could feel Dean's confusion and pain. Bobby couldn't feel it, but he could see it and he knew that it was time for a distraction. "Anybody up for a movie or something?"

Dean stood up and stretched. "Actually, if you don't mind I think I just want to go outside and clear my head."

"Sure, Dean. You do what you have to do. Just don't get lost in that maze out there."

"Yeah, thanks Bobby." He said softly, closing the door behind him.

Bobby and Sam looked at Cas. They all knew that Cas could move anywhere without being seen. They didn't think that Dean was vulnerable, the angels had gotten their way and the demons wouldn't bother with a Dean Winchester who didn't even remember being Dean Winchester, but it was a large salvage yard and nobody wanted him to be truly alone. They heard the gentle rustling when Cas disappeared.

\-------------------------

Dean rubbed his hands together, grateful that he'd thought to grab his jacket before he left the house. There was just enough light from the moon in the clear sky for him to see the path between piles of crushed metal that narrowed and widened with each corner that he turned. He'd heard stories from people who obviously cared about him, he'd seen pictures of his mother and father, and even himself when he was a child, something was missing. He knew that there was no way that Sam, Bobby, and Cas could fill in all of the blanks, hell, they hadn't even scratched the surface. He still felt like there was something more, something big. He realized that it had only been a day, not even 36 hours and maybe he was expecting too much, but he was frustrated. He had a lot of questions, but he wasn't sure that he was ready for the answers. He watched the lights being turned off one by one in the house until only the living room lamp was glowing through the window. He walked back inside and found a folded blanket and pillow on the couch, a fire still burning low in the fireplace. He pulled off his jacket and boots and laid down on his makeshift bed. He didn't question why he was still fully dressed in a t-shirt and jeans when he pulled the blanket up over his body, it was instinctual for him to sleep fully clothed. He pulled the chain on the lamp and laid awake, staring at the ceiling wondering who he was.

\-------------------------

"I noticed a little knocking sound that started about 20 miles before we got here. When Sam gets back do you think there's a chance I could pull her up and pop the hood? I'm guessing that a guy who runs a salvage yard has tools."

"Yeah, sure Dean. You can just pull up next to the house. Everything you need is in that first garage."

"Thanks Bobby, " Dean smiled, taking his last sip of coffee. "Now if nobody minds I think I'm going to go shower." He knew that it didn't make any sense to shower when he was planning to work on his car, but he hadn't slept and the coffee wasn't cutting it. He needed to wake up. "Safe travels, Cas. I guess we'll see you...well whenever we see you." He turned and left the kitchen.

Sam heard the stairs creak and leaned towards Bobby, "If he's going to work on the car, we've got to clear the trunk. We have a fucking arsenal out there and he's going to want to know why."

"You grab everything and throw in in that second shed, I'll make sure that it gets downstairs in the safe room. Make sure you get everything."

"Okay, thanks Bobby. Cas, let's go. You can help me."

\-------------------------

Cas and Sam got the trunk cleared out and pulled onto the highway. Sam felt vulnerable in the car with no weapons. He didn't think he'd ever driven it with an empty trunk.

"Shared insomnia, eh? So what was that all about, Cas?"

"I was sitting on the sidewalk next to the door. I didn't think that he'd come outside. He was rubbing his arms so I asked him if he was cold, it was just a reaction."

"I'm guessing you talked?"

"Yes, but not about anything important. He asked me about you, if any of us were married or had kids. He asked how he and I met."

"Wait, he asked you that? What did you tell him?"

"I told him that our paths crossed while we were working. It's all I could think of."

Sam turned his head slightly and looked at Cas, "If this working on the car thing goes okay, then we are going to try to convince him that he's a mechanic. Now how in the hell would your path cross with a mechanic?"

"People own cars, it's possible to become friends with a mechanic."

"Cas, you don't even drive."

"Maybe he won't ask again. Listen, even if I can't get Gabriel to help me I will find out as much as I can. I will see if there is anything that we can do. The longer we go without him knowing the truth, the worse it will be if he finds out."

"Bobby thinks that maybe it would be best if he didn't. Maybe he won't remember the two or three actual good times that we had, but he won't remember any of the ugliness either. The way we were raised, the hunting, his time in hell."

Cas turned and stared out of the passenger window. Maybe Sam was right, but if Dean had no memory of that, then Dean would have no memory of him. Their bond wouldn't be severed, he would always be tied to Dean because he had raised his soul from hell, but Dean would never know that. Cas would just be the weird guy who hung around too much. Cas would have to start staying away, living elsewhere, just stopping by to visit. He knew that Dean would eventually lose interest in their friendship, they were nothing alike. The idea was devastating, but this is what Zachariah wanted for him. "I'll talk to Gabriel. If he is willing to help I can ask him to wait until you and Bobby decide what you want to do. I think that at the very least I should try to find out exactly what Zachariah erased. We need to know how much of Dean is still in there."

"Okay, well you need to stay away for a few days at least. I know you, and I know that after you talk to Gabriel you'll come right back. But you need to stay hidden, Cas. I understand that you want to watch over him, but he needs to believe that you left for awhile. Show yourself to me when he's not around and we'll figure it out."

\-------------------------

Sam was watching Dean through the kitchen window. After finding all of the tools that he needed, he leaned over the engine that he'd always loved so much and seemed to know exactly what he was doing. "Hey Bobby?" Sam called. 

Bobby looked up from where he was going over a text in his library. "Yeah? What's going on Sam?"

Sam pulled the curtain closed and went to sit in the chair closest to Bobby's desk, "I told Cas that maybe it would be best if Dean didn't get his memory back. There aren't a lot of good things to remember. If we can convince him that he's a mechanic and a handyman. That he's been staying here and working with you. Then come up with a legitimate reason as to why we were on the road in a cheap motel, it might be the best thing that we could do for him. I'd need a backstory and we'd need to explain why he doesn't have any type of room set up around here. But if I can keep him from remembering his time in hell, I'll do it."

Bobby sighed deeply, "I agree with you on that, kid. I'm already planning to put a lock on the basement door and hope that he doesn't ask. I'm pretty much retired from the life. I can hide the phone calls and research easy enough, we both know that none of this shit would ever interest him. We can tell him that you're, I don't know, writin' a book or something. As far as being on the road, that should be easy enough. Just tell him that you were on a road trip. I see that it pains him not to remember, but I know that there is very little worth remembering. I just want you boys safe, and out of the life is a bonus."

"How do we explain Cas?"

"We don't. That needs to run it's course."

"You think that Dean's just going to let him go..." Sam sighed.

"They don't exactly have a lot in common, Sam. Now I know that we've all grown fond of that angel boy, but if Dean can't remember how close they were, it'll pass."

"I'd hate to see Cas go. He had this way of, I don't know, making Dean see himself as something other than a monster."

"Dean don't know that he ever thought he was a monster. I'm not saying that I want Cas to leave, and I'm not saying that Dean will for sure let go of him. But there's a good chance."

"But is keeping Dean's memories, his entire life, from him the right thing to do?"

"Probably not, but is reminding him of how ugly your lives have been doing right by him? There is no right answer here, Sam. You know how much you two boys mean to me and if I could take away all of the bad things that have happened, I would. Maybe this is our chance to do that for your brother. I'm only sorry that you still know."

"It's okay, Bobby. I left for college for four years. I had time with Jess before she was killed. I lived a normal life for awhile, and I haven't seen as much as he has. I'm fine walking away from the life. I'm not the one who has had nightmares or had to drink myself to sleep just so that I wouldn't remember. I told Cas to stay away for a little while. Well, physically, we both know that he'll be back as soon as he finds anything out, but I asked him not to show himself to anyone but me. This shouldn't take him long. But, I think we both know what the right thing to do is."

\-------------------------

Dean spent three days going over the Impala. He didn't really fix it as much as he tried to memorize it. He was confused when he found the army man stuck in the ashtray in the back, but he figured that for some reason it must belong there. He could tell that she had been rebuilt at some point in the last couple of years, that's when he realized that the accident that killed his father had been in this car. He must have rebuilt her afterwards. All of the repairs, they must have been his doing. He must have loved that car, and he needed to have that feeling back. Just like he needed to learn to care about Sam and Bobby, even Cas. Cas still didn't make sense to him, but for some reason he didn't want to ask questions. He didn't want to know yet. So far, other than getting his ass kicked, his life seemed pretty normal and he was willing to accept that. 

\-------------------------

"Thirsty?"

Judging by the sound of the voice and the size of the shoes, Dean knew it must be Sam. "Very," he grunted, slid out from under the car, and took the cold bottle out of Sam's hand. "Thanks."

"No problem. Normally you bring a cooler out here with you. I probably could have told you that a couple of days ago." Sam put the cooler full of beer on the ground and sat on it.

"Or I could have thought of it on my own, but thanks for the heads up. What do you guys do in there all day?"

"Research. I'm, uh, working on a book about the supernatural and Bobby helps me out. He's really into that type of stuff and he has a great library."

"So we just stay with him? No going off and having families of our own? Nothing?"

"Well, I went to college. Pre-law at Stanford, but I left after four years. To be honest, my girlfriend was killed and for some reason I just couldn't go back."

"Wow, I'm sorry man."

"Shit happens. I don't mean to sound cold but I can't bring Jessica back and I couldn't bring myself to go back, so after dad died we just kind of ended up here."

"I'm guessing the accident was in the Impala? It looks like she's been rebuilt."

"Yeah," Sam sighed. They had been in an accident and Dean was on the verge of death. It was said that John Winchester made a deal to save his son because Dean walked out of that hospital, but he didn't. "We got her towed here and you rebuilt her. We've pretty much been here ever since. Bobby likes having us around, especially since you can help in the salvage yard, and he can help me research. It just kind of works."

"When I asked Cas if I'd been married, had kids, or even a girlfriend he told me that I have commitment issues."

Sam groaned inwardly, Cas needed to watch what he said, "I think that we both do. When you grow up traveling as much as we did, it's hard to get attached. Not to mention, you don't like kids anyway." Sam grinned.

Dean paused and took a long drink, "that doesn't surprise me. The commitment thing doesn't surprise me either. He also told me that I'm an asshole. Well not in so many words, but when I asked him he didn't deny it."

Sam laughed, "I wouldn't deny it either. But it's not entirely true. You definitely can be, and when you are, you are really good at it."

"Go big or go home..."

"That's pretty much the way you've lived your life."

"You may not know the answer, but do you have any idea what this is?" Dean struggled to pull up the sleeve of his t-shirt revealing a faded scar in the shape of a handprint. That was the mark that Cas had left on his shoulder when he retrieved him.

"Uh, yeah that's just a birthmark."

"In the shape of a hand?"

"Huh, it does kind of look like a hand. I never noticed that before." Sam lied. There were so many lies he didn't realize that he'd have to tell.

"Alright, well anyway I'm going to get back to work. Thanks for the cold one, and the cooler. Just yell when dinner's ready, I can barely wait to see what Bobby comes up with next."

"See, you're learning." Sam grinned.

\-------------------------

Cas caught Sam as he walked into the kitchen.

"What did you find out? Because Bobby and I talked..."

"I didn't find out much, but enough that I might have a few answers. If you don't want Dean to see me then we have to meet somewhere."

"I'll take Bobby's truck into town, I'll just tell him that I need to run to the grocery store or something. Meet me at the diner."

He heard the faint rustling and went to ask Bobby for the truck keys.

\-------------------------

Cas had thought about his conversation with Sam, he thought that maybe Sam was right. Maybe it would be the best thing for Dean if he never knew, and all he wanted was what was best for Dean. When he saw Bobby's old truck, he came from around the corner of the building and walked into the diner with Sam.

"We didn't have to meet here. We could have talked in the truck."

"I know, but it's nice to get away for a little while. I'm not tip toeing around Dean, and he isn't asking a lot of questions, but it's still tough. I could really use a cup of coffee and some conversation right now, even if it is with an angel regarding my brother's wiped out memory."

They sat down and both ordered coffee, "I wasn't able to find a lot of information. Nobody is really willing to talk to the angel who was disciplined by Zachariah, but it looks like all he did was wipe Dean's memory of people and events. If you asked him to paint a devils trap, he could, to perfection. He still has all of the same instincts. He knows about salt and spirits, silver and shapeshifters, removing the heads from vampires, he just doesn't remember having done any of those things. He also doesn't remember his time in hell."

"Did you find Gabriel?"

"Yes," Cas said quietly.

"And?"

"I didn't ask."

"What?" Sam lowered his head so that Cas couldn't see the subtle sigh of relief.

"Sam, you were right. Maybe it's best if he doesn't remember, nothing good would come of it. I know that the intricate lies puts a heavy burden on you and Bobby, but eventually you will have told them enough times that they may not feel like lies anymore. It's what's best for Dean and I think that's what we all want."

Sam thought for a minute before he lifted his head and looked at Cas, "It is. Bobby and I just talked about it again. But it isn't just our burden, Cas. You are a part of this too."

"For now. We know Dean, it doesn't matter what we tell him, he'll never understand our friendship. He and I, we are nothing alike and eventually he'll have no use for me."

"Cas..."

"No, it's okay, Sam. This was my punishment. Zachariah meant to take Dean away from me, and he will. But by doing so, he may have given Dean a second chance, a chance at a normal life. That's what I want for him. All I've ever wanted was for Dean to be in a place where he felt like he mattered. A place where he could look in the mirror and not hate what he saw looking back at him. Maybe I won't be there to see it, but I'll know. I'm not just going to up and disappear on him. I'll let it run it's course, but I'm prepared."

Sam didn't know what to say. Cas was right, Dean would realize that their friendship didn't make sense but he may also see how much he meant to Cas. They had no way of knowing. "So call me later tonight and tell me that you're coming back. I can pick you up at the 'bus station' tomorrow."

"Won't Dean wonder why I'm always hanging around? There doesn't seem to be any reasonable explanation for my presence at Bobby's."

"Sure there is. You're a good friend who's down on his luck and needs a place to stay because his family are a bunch of assholes. We'll just tell him that the family business you went to deal with had to do with an inheritance or something and so you're waiting. But, you are going to have to get new clothes. You can't keep wearing the same thing every day. That's not normal."

"What kind of clothes?"

"Jeans, t-shirts, boots. When I pick you up tomorrow we'll go shopping and then stuff everything in a bag. You need to blend in or he'll start wondering."

"Okay, I'll call you tonight." Cas stood up and started to walk away.

"Cas?" Sam called. Cas stopped and turned around, "Thank you. And maybe you're looking at it the wrong way, maybe you will find something in common. You know how much you mean to him."

"I know how much I meant to him. But it's okay, Sam. I just want him away from the torment." Cas walked out and Sam watched him turn the corner of the building before he probably disappeared. As bad as he felt for Cas, Dean came first and the decision had been made. They weren't going to bring Dean back, they were going to let Dean reinvent himself.

\-------------------------

Out of habit, Sam bought all of Dean's favorite things at the store. He couldn't help but smile when he saw Dean pop the top off of the apple pie and start eating it without cutting it into slices first. Cas was right, all Dean had lost were memories of people and events. He was still the same person only less angry and less self depreciating. He let Dean dig through the grocery bags, knowing that he would inherently remember where things went in the kitchen, while he went to find Bobby. 

\-------------------------

"Cas decided that? But that angel boy lo...."

"Bobby, I think we all know how Cas feels about Dean. He wants to do what's right, and I think that as hard as it will be on Dean at first, this is what's right. Like he said, if we stick to our story long enough, maybe even we will start to believe it. Hell, maybe I will write a book. Who knows. All I do know is that I don't mind leaving the life and at this point we are safe. We both know that he's the best hunter out there and he's always had something gunning for him. Now there isn't. Demon's aren't going to give a shit about him, they can't play mind tricks on him, and the angels got their way. We don't know what it's like to live a calm and somewhat peaceful life, we may learn to enjoy it. You can keep researching and dispatching, he doesn't pay attention to any of that shit. If he asks, you're talking to other salvage yards or mechanics, I don't know. We'll wing it for now. Oh, there's my phone, I'm guessing it's Cas. Time to go put on a show."

\-------------------------

"You are going to have to do this clothes thing for me, because I don't know what I'm doing. Dean said that you and him look like models for Lumberjacks Unlimited."

Sam laughed, "Okay then we'll lay off the flannel. You're more of a hoodie kind of guy anyway. So we need jeans, t-shirts, hoodies, socks, boots, and probably boxers? I'm guessing boxers. I really don't know enough about angels to know what you have going on down..." Sam said awkwardly.

"Sam, I'm in a human vessel. It's anatomically correct, so yes to boxers. I'm going to guess that I'm about the same size as Dean."

"Yeah, probably. Okay, let's just grab what we need and get out of here. We can't be gone too long or they're going to ask."

They bought enough clothes to fill a duffle bag and Cas changed in the bathroom at the gas station while Sam put gas in the car. The clothes still looked a little too new, but Dean probably wouldn't notice. Cas looked sadly at his suit and trenchcoat when he rolled them up and stuffed them in the bag with his new things. That suit was all he'd ever known, it's all the Winchesters had ever known of him. Sam was almost stunned when he saw Cas. Cas looked human, he didn't stand out anymore. "Okay, looks good. Now take a deep breath and jump in. We're heading home."

\-------------------------

Dean was outside, painstakingly wiping down Bobby's tools when Sam and Cas pulled down the drive. Dean had this need to keep his hands busy, he always had. Sam was surprised when he said that he needed to pick up Cas and Dean threw the keys to him. Dean never let him drive the Impala. 

"How'd she sound? Any knocking or pinging?" he asked when Sam got out of the car. 

"Nope, she sounds good." Sam smiled. That's why Dean let him take the car. He wanted a second set of ears.

"Hey Cas, you lost the suit. Much better look. How's the family?"

"A bunch of assholes, basically." Cas responded, glancing at Sam. Sam was trying not to laugh. He rarely, if ever, heard Cas swear. 

"Well that's an honest answer. So are there a lot of them? I mean brothers and sisters. Your parents? You never did explain the name thing."

Cas froze, he wasn't sure what to say but he had to come up with something. "We were raised by our father, he was very strict. I have four older brothers. Michael, Zachariah, Gabriel, and..."

"Biblical! That's where you got the name." Dean interrupted. Cas sighed deeply, relieved that Dean has stopped him. His fourth brother was Lucifer and he was used to the Winchesters knowing that, he had no idea how he would have explained himself. "And really no last name?"

"Actually it's Novak." Cas almost stuttered, using the last name of the human vessel that he possessed. Jimmy Novak had been a devout man who had willingly given himself to Castiel. "I just don't get along with any of them, so I hate the last name. Childish, I know."

"Nah, nah, I get it. I mean your first name is enough that you could get away with the Madonna or Prince thing. Does anyone ever call you Castiel?"

"Other than my family?"

"Yeah."

"Not anyone who really knows me. I was given the nickname Cas by a friend, somebody who means a lot to me, and that's what I choose to go by." Sam could see Cas's eyes start to water, Dean was the one who started calling him Cas. Sam and Dean were the only ones who called him Cas.

"Good choice. I like 'Cas'. Sounds way more down to earth. So are you back for awhile?"

Sam was getting nervous. So far Cas was pulling it off, but Sam knew that he was close to the breaking point.

"I don't know. We have some I guess you'd call it infighting going on. It's an inheritance and my brothers are greedy sons of bitches. I'm just waiting until all of the paperwork is done. Bobby said I could stay here until I get it all worked out."

"Ah, well that blows, but I hope it works out for you. I hope it's a big inheritance. It'll be nice to have a rich friend." Dean grinned and winked at Cas. "I think I have Bobby talked into take out tonight. My body can only handle so much of his home cooking."

"You are welcome to cook anytime you want, Dean Winchester," Bobby called through the screen door.

"Oh shit," Dean whispered, trying not to laugh. Seeing Dean happy made Cas smile, and Bobby's reprimand made Sam laugh. The three of them couldn't look at one another if they wanted to compose themselves. 

"But we can get your damn greasy take out if that's what you want." Bobby called again.

The three of them had an even harder time composing themselves. Sam couldn't remember ever feeling this good, and neither could Bobby as he stood in the kitchen and watched the three of them through the window. He'd listened to the conversation and was proud of the angel boy.

\-------------------------

Cas didn't think that he'd ever consumed that much food in one sitting. He knew that he had to make a show of enjoying the greasy burger that was set in front of him, and was surprised at how much he really did enjoy it. Now he just needed to wait and see if his vessel could handle it after years of not really eating at all. He knew his stomach didn't feel right, but he couldn't do or say anything in front of everybody. "Um, great dinner but I think I ate too much. I'm going to go walk it off." He didn't know what was going on but he had to get outside into the fresh air. He got up out of his chair, tried to smile, and closed the door behind him.

"Did he look okay to you? He doesn't look okay." Dean said, standing up to follow him. Dean found him doubled over next to the shed. He reached out and rested his hand on Cas's back. "It's okay man, let it out. You must be one of those healthy guys who doesn't eat a lot of grease."

"Yeah, something like that." Cas whispered, bent at the waist with his hands on his legs.

"Stay here." Dean ran to the house and without a word to Sam and Bobby he grabbed a bottle of water and went back outside. He handed it to Cas, "Drink this, or at least swish it around in your mouth. Get that taste out."

Cas's eyes were watering from getting sick and he was embarrassed. The first time he really tried to act human, and he couldn't do it. He thought that with a human vessel he should be fine. He took the bottle and swished some around his mouth before he spit it out. He stood up and wiped his eyes, avoiding looking at Dean. "You okay?" Dean asked. Cas nodded, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. They just stood silently for a minute before Cas turned and started to walk down the path of the salvage yard. 

"Dude, don't be embarrassed. Shit happens." Dean said, walking up alongside him. 

"Yeah, well not the best way to end a dinner. I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"That you had to see that."

"No reason to be sorry, I came looking for you. Not everybody has an iron stomach. You should try the rotgut that I drink. It would tear your insides to shreds. Just drink some water, you'll be good."

Cas turned at looked at Dean's profile, "Thank you." he said softly.

"That's what friends are for, right?"

"Yeah." Cas didn't know why his breath caught, why he could feel it in his chest. 

"Ya know," Dean said quietly, "It's like there are a million questions that I want to ask, but I feel like I really only want to know the answers to like half of them. I want to know about my past, my childhood, all of that shit, but a part of me is almost afraid to know. I probably sound like a total pussy."

"Not at all," Cas smiled in the dark. Dean was trying to distract him, trying to let him know that the whole 'sick' thing was already forgotten. "I think if I were in your position I'd feel the same way. We all have things that we're not proud of, or wish that we could erase."

"Do I?"

Cas almost froze, "I, uh, I haven't known you for very long, Dean."

"Yeah, but I feel like you know me as well as Sam does, or as Bobby does. Okay, now I'm starting to sound crazy."

If only Dean knew how sane he actually sounded, "You don't sound crazy. We've always been close, well not always. You didn't like me when we first met, but it's because I think I was more like my brothers. You and Sam helped me see that the way that they do things isn't necessarily the right way. After that, we became close. You showed me that it was okay to have my own ideas and thoughts. That it was okay to show free will and live as I wanted to and not how they think that I should."

"Really? For some reason I don't feel like that kind of guy...profound. I mean Sam, yeah, but not me."

"You've always compared yourself to Sam, and I've always told you not to."

"He was pre-law at Stanford, Cas."

"So he's booksmart. Why does that make him any better than anybody else? Don't get me wrong, I care about Sam. He's always been a good friend to me, but you are smart in ways that he'll never be. The next time the Impala needs an oil change ask him to do it."

"Oh he ain't touching my baby."

"Well if you'd let him, and you asked him to do it he wouldn't know where to start."

"So I'm a grease monkey, big fucking deal."

"It is a big deal, Dean. Where would this world be without mechanics? I mean no offense to Sam, books are important, but how am I supposed to get to the library or bookstore? Probably a car or a bus, right? If that car of bus isn't running, I'm out of luck and I'll never get to that book."

"I guess that I never looked at it that way."

"That car, your baby, was built in 1967. I can't imagine how many miles are on that engine, but you have always kept it running. You single handedly rebuilt it when it was totaled." Cas went quiet. "Sorry, I probably shouldn't have brought that up." 

"What? The accident? My father? I don't remember him so I can't really miss him. And it's weird, but when I looked at pictures of the guy I felt like I didn't like him very much, which is probably pretty shitty of me."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he was my father."

"We don't get to choose who we are related to. I never knew him, again, that happened before we met, but I've heard enough to know that it's okay for you to have some resentment towards him."

"Like what?"

Cas knew that this conversation was becoming dangerous and that Sam would be upset if he wasn't careful, "You grew up without a real home, Dean. You father worked a lot and left you to take care of Sam. You didn't have an easy childhood from what I have been told. It's okay for you to resent that a little. I know that you don't remember, but maybe some of the emotions carry over. I mean you trusted Sam pretty quickly. You hugged Bobby, who has been like a real father to you. You may not remember, but I think that you still feel some things."

"I trusted you quickly too. I don't know why, but I did. I do."

Cas turned his head again and could barely make out Dean's profile in the dark, "Thank you, that means a lot."

"We were close, weren't we?"

"Yes, we were. It may not seem like we have a lot in common, but we had common ground. Somehow we've just always understood each other."

"Yeah, I know," Dean said quietly. "I was able to talk to you about things that I couldn't talk to Sam about. That's not a question, it's a statement. I don't know how I know that, I just do. You told me that I'm an asshole, but it didn't feel like you were judging me, you were just stating a fact. And believe it or not, I can live with being called an asshole."

Cas chuckled, "I'm not the first one to tell you that. Trust me."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, really. Although it was mostly women who said it."

Dean laughed, "So I'm 'that guy'?"

"Yeah, you've always been 'that guy'. I'm feeling better, do you want to head back in?"

"I'd rather walk for a little longer if it's cool with you?"

"Yeah, sure."

They walked and talked until they saw Bobby's light turn on and then off. "We should probably go in now. I'm guessing that Sam is waiting for us."

"Yeah," Cas sighed, not wanting the conversation to end. "We should. Thank you, by the way."

"For what?"

"Um, dealing with me getting sick, the water, walking it off with me."

"No need to thank me. Thanks to you now I know that I'm 'that guy'." Dean said with a grin before they turned around and walked back to the house in silence. As expected, Sam was still up and gave Cas a pointed look. It wasn't that he didn't trust Cas, he just knew that Cas didn't always know how to watch what he said.

"Everything okay?"

"Besides the fact that I wasted a perfectly good burger, everything is fine." Cas answered with a small nod.

"We had a good talk about how big of an asshole I am," Dean grinned.

Sam sighed with relief, they hadn't talked about anything serious. "You sure you're okay, Cas?"

"Other than the embarrassment of being caught getting sick next to the shed, I'm fine."

"Already forgotten," Dean smiled. 

"Well, I guess I should probably get to bed. Thanks for the help, Dean." Cas said quietly, climbing the stairs as a show. He knew that he would end up sitting silent and invisible in the corner watching Dean struggle to sleep.

"That's what friends are for, right?"

"Right."

\-------------------------

Dean was finally able to fall asleep, but sometimes Cas would watch and hear him murmuring, almost mewling as he tossed and turned. He couldn't imagine what was going on in Dean's head, he had promised himself that he wouldn't try. A few times he crossed the line and went to Dean, touching him softly on his forehead or chest to calm him, forcing himself not to feel what Dean was feeling. He knew that he shouldn't, but if they were going to let him live without his memory, Cas didn't want him reliving it at night.

Until the night that Dean caught him.

Cas bent down, wondering if he needed to help calm Dean or just let him get through it himself. He tried not to, but he lifted his hand anyway, ready to touch him when Dean reached out and wrapped his finger around his wrist. Cas froze. He was terrified.

"What are you doing, Cas?" Dean asked quietly.

"I came down for a drink of water and heard you making sounds. I just came over to check on you."

"I thought you said that I snore."

Cas's thoughts were muddled, he didn't know what to do. "I've never really heard you snore, so maybe that was it. I just wanted to make sure."

"You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine." Dean said, loosening his grip without letting go.

"I'm trying not to."

"Sometimes I feel like you are all hiding something from me. Or are you just one of those people who hovers?"

"We aren't hiding anything," Cas lied. "You can't tell somebody their life story in one sitting. Even if they lived a so-called perfect life, it would still be too much."

Dean encouraged Cas to sit on the floor and lean back against the couch, "Call me a selfish bastard, but I feel like I'm going to get the most truth out of you. Sam and Bobby are family and I know that they feel obligated to deal with my shit. You aren't, which means that there has to be something that keeps you here, I know it's not Bobby's cooking or the boring shit that Sam does all day."

Cas sighed, sitting in the dark like this, Dean needing to hear something positive, he couldn't worry about what Sam would think. "What do you want to know?"

"Something good. Sam and Bobby answer my questions, kind of, but they don't tell me anything. I just want to know something good."

Cas needed to think, they were hunters. Hunters lived ugly lives and very little of it could be considered good. They had moments, but nothing that would constitute a substantial story. "You've always done everything that you can to save people, to help them."

"So maybe I was a good little boy scout and helped old ladies cross a busy street. I want to hear something real, something that I can picture."

Cas remembered something, but he didn't know if he was crossing a line. At this point he didn't care. "Sam told me this story. It was Christmas and your father was tied up with work. He left you alone with Sam for days at a time and seemed to completely forget about the holidays. You had to have been 12 or 13 at the time and knew that your little brother deserved better, so you snuck out and stole presents for him to open. Maybe the fact that you stole things doesn't make it a good story, but you were willing to take that risk so that your baby brother could have a Christmas. Sam has told me about many times you went without so that he didn't have to, about the times that you covered him with your jacket to keep him warm in the backseat of the car so that he could sleep while you stayed awake, cold but okay with it because you knew that Sam was comfortable." They sat in silence while Dean thought about what Cas had just said. He didn't try to remember, he just replayed the story with Cas's voice as the narrator. 

"Tell me more, Cas. Tell me good things. What I've done, what I want. I need to know."

"You've always said that you are a selfish bastard, you said it tonight, but I have never seen you turn somebody away when they need help. You've kept a tight circle, your father, Sam, Bobby...me. But you've helped others besides just us, total strangers. That's the type of man that you are, you aren't a selfish bastard. Now, on to what you want?" Cas chuckled quietly, "you have always talked about taking time off and going to the beach. Digging your toes in the sand with, I think you always say cervezas and senioritas"

"That does sound good," Dean smiled in the dark. "But it would make me 'that guy''."

"So..."

"Haven't I ever wanted more?"

"Not since I've known you. You've always said that relationships are too messy and complicated, but I honestly wouldn't know."

"You've really never had one?"

"No. I've never even thought about it. Like I told you that night at the motel, neither one of us is made that way. Different reasons, same end result."

"Will you tell me one more good thing before I go back to sleep?" Dean murmured, letting his arm drop off of the couch and over Cas's shoulder, his hand resting on Cas's chest. Cas's didn't know if Dean meant to do it or if it was just a half-alseep thing. Either way, he was having a hard time ignoring it. 

"I was raised to not feel emotions, to pretend that they didn't exist in us, in my family. You changed that." Cas whispered, holding back tears. "You taught me how to feel things, you opened up a world to me that I never knew existed. Even when I've felt pain, I still thank you because at least I feel something. If I couldn't feel pain then I couldn't feel happiness. Two sides of the same coin. I never knew those things until you came into my life. What you have done for me has altered the course of my life in a way that I will never regret. Even if everything comes crashing down around me, I'll still have that, and nobody can take it from me." Cas finished with a quiet sob. He felt Dean press his hand against his chest.

"Thank you, Cas." he whispered. He slid his hand back across Cas's chest when he shifted into a more comfortable sleeping position.

"Goodnight, Dean."

\-------------------------

"Can we go somewhere? I mean other than the grocery store or the diner. I'm feeling, I don't know, restless. You told me that we were on our way back from a short road trip when all of this shit went down. I need another road trip or something." Dean said as a general statement at the breakfast table. Sam and Bobby didn't know how to respond. They knew what could happen when Dean felt restless, but they didn't know how it would manifest, not now that he was no longer hunting and most of the anger seemed to have subsided. But Dean was still Dean, and it would eventually eat at him until he would just go off by himself. 

"My cabin could use some repairs if you don't mind a working vacation. If Sam is up for it, I can grab the keys."

"Uh, yeah, sure, sounds good." Sam said hesitantly. You never knew what might be in the woods, and Bobby's cabin was in a pretty dense area.

"Cas?"

Cas lifted his head. They'd never talked about the conversation that they'd had in the dark a couple of weeks ago, but he still thought about it every time he looked at Dean. "Yeah?"

"You want to come along?

Sam sighed. Cas and Dean's friendship seemed intact, and at least as strong as it used to be, if not stronger, but he was kind of hoping for some brotherly bonding time.

Cas could sense Sam's reluctance and he wasn't sure what to say. Of course he wanted to go, but if Sam and Dean needed this time together then he was okay with staying behind. "I don't know...I mean...I just..."

"Listen, I know that you're sitting there thinking about some third wheel type of bullshit. The three of us went on that road trip, so why don't the three of us go up to the cabin? It'll be good for all of us to get out of town."

Sam finally relented, maybe Dean needed to bond with both of his 'brothers'. Sam had the rest of their lives to get close to Dean again. They'd already grown close, but not like they once were. Sam didn't know if it was because they were no longer hunting so they didn't rely on one another to survive, or if it would just take time. "Sure, you should come, Cas. It's beautiful up there."

"I don't want to, you know, overstep." Cas said quietly.

"You aren't overstepping anything. Let's pack up and go. I'll even let Sammy drive since I'm guessing he knows where the place is."

Sam smiled, that was the first time that Dean had called him Sammy. "Well then we might as well get ready and head to the store. If we don't get Dean some beer and pie then that's all we'll hear about for days."

Dean smiled and got up from the table to go shower.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Sam whispered. "We don't know what is in those woods. What if something shows up and we're unarmed."

"Then you go in the fucking cabin and lock the door like normal people. Damnit Sam, I know it's hard but you need to stop thinking like a hunter. You hung it up, we all made that choice. Be a normal guy for once. Enjoy a normal weekend in the woods with your brother and your friend. Drink some beers and build a campfire. I don't give a shit what you do, but Dean is adjusting a hell of a lot better than I thought he would and if he wants this then I am going to give in to him."

"I know, Bobby."

"Sam," Cas said quietly. "I really don't need to go. Maybe you and Dean need some time."

"He wants you to go, Cas. He said it himself, blood doesn't make a family. Dean and I have plenty of time."

\-------------------------

"Use some work? It looks like this thing could use a complete overhaul." Dean said when Sam finally stopped the car at the end of the dirt road. 

"Yeah, well charming isn't exactly the word that comes to mind, but it's always been here and stayed sturdy. We just need to check everything out. Bobby said that nobody has been up here in years. We're talking wiring, water, foundation, the whole bit. For all we know we may be headed back down that road in a few hours."

"Always an optimist, Sammy. C'mon, we can get everything working. You're the brains and I'm the brawn. Cas, well I haven't figured out which one he is, but it looks like we have enough work to do that we'll find out." Dean grinned and winked at Cas.

Sam wouldn't let them bring the bags in until they had everything checked out. The foundation was still solid, they had to repair some piping and let the water run for awhile until it was clear. The electrical was a mess, but Dean finally got it fixed. "I told you, the world needs grease monkeys." Cas said quietly when Dean got to the bottom of the ladder. Sam finally deemed the old build habitable and they unpacked. There was only one bedroom, but Dean had already called the couch. 

Cas pulled Sam aside, "You sleep, I don't, so you might as well take the bed. I'll throw some blankets on the floor by the fireplace and fake it. I know you aren't very happy that I came, I want you to be as comfortable as you can."

"Cas, it's not that I'm not happy that you came..."

"You just want time with Dean, I get it. I couldn't come up with a legitimate reason for not coming, but I can find things to do in the cabin and you guys can hike around. The three of us can hang out at night. Play cards, watch movies on your computer, whatever. Why don't you go now while there's still some light. I'll get the food put away and shake out the blankets."

"Thanks Cas." Sam smiled. "Hey Dean, this was such a playground to us when we were kids, let's go check it out."

"Cas?"

"No, go ahead. I'll get everything figured out in here. I can wander around with you guys tomorrow."

"Okay, come on Sam."

The Winchester's spent the rest of the late afternoon and evening hiking and wandering. Sam telling stories and Dean laughing. Sam did everything that he could to keep his hunter instinct in check and kept watching Dean for any sign of his own, but didn't see any. It was almost dark when they came back, a little out of breath but both smiling. They stopped in their tracks when they saw Cas chopping up firewood. "I got the flue to open on that free standing fireplace. I figured we might as well use it, I have a feeling that it's going to get cold." Sam tried to pretend that it's wasn't out of the norm to see Cas doing manual labor, and Dean seemed to shrug it off. He just grabbed an armful of what had already been chopped and carried it into the cabin. 

The stove didn't work, so they ate sandwiches, drank beer, and played cards. Cas's vessel was finally adjusting to food and he could tolerate small amounts of alcohol so he nursed a single warm beer most of the night. He was terrible at cards, and if they were playing for real money he would owe the Winchesters thousands. Sam was finally too tired to keep his eyes open and he wandered off into the single bedroom, falling asleep the minute his body hit the sagging mattress. Cas had made a bed by the fireplace behind the couch, he figured that way Dean wouldn't see that he would lay there, awake all night. They said their goodnight's and turned off the lamp, leaving only the dying fire to shed light. Cas watched it bounce off of the walls and ceiling, waiting to hear Dean's soft snore. 

\-------------------------

Cas heard Dean pad quietly barefoot into the kitchen to start the coffee brewing without waking anybody up. He pretended that he was sleeping, and hoped that he was convincing. He heard Dean coming back, "Cas?"

"Hhhmmm?" Cas mumbled.

"Sorry if I woke you up, but let's throw this coffee in a thermos and head outside."

"Sam's still asleep."

"We'll leave him a note. I want to show you some things."

Cas was torn. As much as he wanted to spend time with Dean, he didn't want to cause a rift. "Don't you think that Sam will be upset that we went without him?"

"Nah, we won't be gone long and I want to show you some of the things that he showed me."

Cas stretched, his vessel had been positioned in the same place for too long, and stood up. He threw his clothes on while Dean poured the dark coffee into a thermos and grabbed a jacket. "It's going to be fucking cold out there, put on as many layers as you can."

Cas was pulling on his jacket when Dean set the note for Sam on the table and opened the door, letting the cold air in. "Holy shit, I told you that it was going to be cold."

"We don't have to go."

"Sure we do. C'mon." Cas followed Dean out the door and down the rickety steps. They wandered behind the cabin and through the dense trees, Dean telling stories about carvings, swings, and treehouses that had been built, some remnants still visible. They got to a small stream and Cas laughed when he saw that Sam and Dean must have built the dam in it yesterday, forming a small pond. They climbed up an outcropping of rock, Dean reaching his hand down to help Cas to the top. Both of their hands were freezing and their faces were pink. "Are you miserable, do you want to go back?" Dean asked, still holding Cas's hand in his. Cas shook his head and without realizing it, he interlaced his fingers with Dean's. Dean pulled him along, showing him a cave without wondering what might be living inside of it. They'd been walking around for over an hour when Dean finally circled back and sat on the outcrop, dangling his legs over the edge. He signaled for Cas to sit and opened the thermos, taking a drink before handing it to Cas. 

"If I can't handle a greasy burger, I'm not sure what that sludge will do to me." Cas said, handing it back.

"Good call."

They sat quietly and listened to the birds start making their morning noises. "Okay, I'm not sure how to ask this, and I really don't want to make things awkward. That's actually the last thing I want to do, but I need to know something."

"Okay..." 

"Were we ever, uh, more than friends?"

It took Cas a minute to realize what Dean was asking him, "You mean were we ever lovers?"

"Yeah..."

"No. I've never actually..."

"Been with anyone?"

"No."

"Like I said, I don't want this to get awkward, but there's something here, Cas. Some strange connection that I don't understand."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Not at all. I mean, I can be myself with Sam and Bobby, but I feel more free when I'm with you and it doesn't make sense."

"It makes perfect sense. I told you that night that you were the one who taught me how to feel things, so I have never judged you and you know that." Cas wasn't expecting it when he felt Dean's cold hand on the side of his face. He turned to Dean and felt full lips press softly against his own. He parted his lips slightly and Dean reached out his other hand, cupping Cas's face, sliding their tongues together, deepening the kiss. Cas was inexperienced, but he eagerly kissed Dean back, reaching up to wrap his hands around Dean's arms. Cas could feel the heat throughout his entire body when he leaned forward, wanting more.They finally pulled apart, both breathing heavily, Cas's body was shaking. Dean moved until he was sitting behind Cas and pulled him back against his chest, wrapping his arms around him to keep him warm.

"I just needed to know," Dean whispered, finally breaking the silence.

"Things were never like this." Cas said quietly.

"Is this wrong?"

"I have no experience, I don't understand it, but it doesn't feel wrong."

Dean pulled Cas closer and they just sat with their legs hanging over the edge of the rock while the coffee grew cold. "We should head back, Sam is probably wondering if we've been eaten by a bear." or worse, Cas finished silently. 

"Okay, let me scoot back before you try to stand. I don't want you falling face first into the dirt." Dean stood up and reached down for Cas. They walked back to the cabin, waiting until they knew that they were almost within eyesight before they let go of one another's hands. Dean stopped and placed a gentle kiss on Cas's forehead, and another on his lips. "No, it doesn't feel wrong."

\-------------------------

Cas couldn't tell if Sam was annoyed or not when they returned to the cabin. He was on the couch, staring at his laptop.

"We don't get wifi up here Sam, you watching downloaded porn or something? Do you need a little 'me' time?" Dean smiled, pouring the cold coffee out of the thermos into the sink.

"No, I was just looking at some things that Bobby and I translated last week." He gave Cas a sideways glance, but it wasn't hostile. It simply said that he wanted to talk.

Dean flopped down on the dusty couch next to his brother, "so what is all of this shit anyway?"

"Myths, legends, lore about I guess you'd say monsters. Widely unknown creatures."

"Are you trying to prove that they exist or something?"

"No, just compiling the stories."

"Huh, that almost isn't completely boring. Maybe I'll look at it someday." Dean said, standing up. "Is there hot coffee left?"

"Yeah, I just made a fresh pot."

Dean wandered into the kitchen, "Once I get myself warmed up, I'll go grab some more firewood." he called.

Cas took his place on the couch next to Sam and looked at the computer screen, remembering all of the times that they had seen those very creatures. 

"Okay, I'll be back." Dean said, pulling the door closed behind him. Sam and Cas immediately turned towards each other.

"What in the hell, Cas?"

"What? He couldn't sleep, I don't sleep, he wanted to go hiking around. What about you? Why are you showing him these things?"

"You said yourself that he has no memory of them and that we can't trigger his memory. It won't come back unless an archangel steps in. It would seem a little suspicious if I didn't show my brother my work."

"Okay, you're right."

"Now can you please explain why you were wandering around in the woods at the crack of dawn?"

"Is this a safety concern, or do you not trust me?"

Sam stopped, that wasn't the response he was expecting from Cas. "I don't know, Cas. I worry, and I worry a lot."

"So do I. We both know that most of the things out there hide during the day. We were safe. You need to learn to trust me, you can't do this every time he wants to go somewhere. We can't bring his memory back, so unless I tell him about the things we've all done, that he's been to hell, that I'm an angel, then there is nothing to worry about. He wouldn't believe me anyway."

"I know that, Cas. But..."

"I did this to him, and it may be a gift, not a curse. You know how much he means to me, I could never do or say anything to hurt him. He doesn't remember your childhood, he has no idea how bad it was. You showed him things that made him believe that good things did happen. He just wanted to share that with somebody. I think it made it feel more real to him. He talked and I listened. We both expected that by now I would be gone, but for some reason I'm not."

Sam leaned back and sighed, "You're right, I need to trust you more, and I'm sorry. It's just so complicated. Trying to keep up, trying to keep our stories straight."

"I think that a part of him knows that we are hiding things, but I also think that he doesn't want to know."

That's when they heard Dean softly kick the door, needing somebody to open it for him. "There's a lot more wood out there if anybody else would like to take a turn," he grunted, setting a pile by the fireplace. Cas looked at Sam, who was still holding the door open, and they both threw on jackets and went outside.

\-------------------------

Sam didn't seem to notice when Dean would reflexively place his hand on Cas's lower back while they were standing together or when he needed to move past him. He didn't catch on to some of the winks and grins. He didn't feel that something had changed, and Cas was relieved. He knew that if Sam found out about his conversation with Dean, about the kiss, then he would have Cas pulled aside and backed into a corner almost immediately. Sam may say that he was going to trust Cas, but that didn't mean that he would be accepting of things changing between them. He knew that Sam didn't care about Dean's private life, but if it involved Cas, and it was happening right now, it would be cause for concern. Maybe Cas shouldn't have let it happen, maybe he should have pulled away, but he didn't. It felt right and Dean felt it too. 

After the three of them wandered around most of the day, Sam telling funny and embarrassing stories, they finally made it back to the cabin. Cas's stomach hurt from laughing so much, and Dean couldn't stop smiling. Sam looked at Cas and nodded, things were going to be okay. They watched some movies that Sam had saved on his computer, trying to stay quiet and not drop spoilers. These were Dean's favorite movies that he'd never seen before. The brothers were weary and tired by the time the last movie ended and Sam said goodnight before he closed the bedroom door. It didn't take long before they could hear him mumbling in his sleep. Cas crawled under the blankets next to the fireplace and waited to hear Dean's soft snore, the soft snore that he'd spent so many nights listening to, always thankful that Dean had survived another day. 

"Cas?"

"Yeah?" Cas whispered.

"Quick question. What do you think is more comfortable, a thin foam pad on the floor, or a narrow couch?"

Cas smiled, "I have no idea."

"The foam pad has better placement with the fireplace and everything, but the couch is probably a lot softer."

"True."

"So who gets up and moves? You or me?"

"I guess we can try narrow but soft over warm. If it doesn't work out, the foam pad is still here." Cas was still smiling as he stood up and walked the few feet to the couch, crawling under the blankets.

"That wasn't smooth at all, was it?"

"Not really." Cas laughed.

The laid on their sides facing each other, Dean holding Cas so that he wouldn't fall off of the couch. It started out with feathery kisses on Cas's forehead and cheeks before Cas tilted his head and waited to feel Dean's lips on his. It was gentle and easy, with deep sighs and slow hands sliding under t-shirts, moving across warm skin. Dean rolled Cas on his back and settled on top of him, dipping his head for another kiss before sliding his lips across Cas's jaw and down his neck, kissing and nipping, being careful not to draw blood to the surface. Cas took deep breaths, trying not to moan, trying to control his body. He'd never felt anything like this before. His hands ran up Dean's back, taking his shirt with them until Dean lifted his head long enough to let Cas pull it off. Cas's hands were inexperienced, but curious as his fingers traced up Dean's sides and across the lines of muscle in his shoulders. Cas felt a cold chill when Dean sat up and slipped Cas's own shirt off, dropping it on top of his own. He slid down Cas's body, kissing his chest, stopping to gently bite a sensitive nipple. He could feel that Cas was hard, and so was he. He reached down to rub Cas, but stopped himself. "No, not yet," he whispered. Cas struggled to pull himself up onto his elbows, "Did I do something wrong?" he asked softly. "Oh god no, you have no idea how much I want you right now, but you've never done it before. I don't want it to happen like this." He crawled back up Cas's body and bent over him, bare chest to bare chest. "I want to take this slow, Cas. I'm not going to be 'that guy' with you." Cas smiled, his face framed by the low light of the fireplace. "I wish I could see how blue your eyes are right now." Dean whispered, leaning down for a long lingering kiss. They stayed hard, both frustrated, but Dean knew that he had to show self control and Cas understood why as they kissed and touched, learning some parts of the other's body but saving the rest for another time. Dean finally rolled on his side and pulled Cas to him. "I wish you could stay here," he whispered, still moving his full lips down Cas's neck. "I know, but we can't let Sam see this." Dean groaned when, with one last kiss, Cas rolled off of the couch and handed him his t-shirt before putting his own back on. "Maybe tomorrow we can test the foam pad." Dean grinned before Cas stood up and walked back to his bed. "Goodnight Cas" Dean said quietly. Cas shivered as he pulled the blankets over himself, but not because he was cold. "Goodnight Dean."

\-------------------------

"God, I love it up here." Dean said, pulling Cas's hand to his mouth, gently kissing his knuckles.

"So do I."

They were sitting on the outcropping of rock while Sam was in the cabin, lost in some work on his laptop.

"Maybe I'll be a dick and make Sam give me the keys. Hopefully I can remember how to get back here."

Cas laughed and squeezed Dean's hand, "I don't think asking for the keys qualifies as being a dick. Not with you. You rarely let Sam drive that car."

"He wants to leave tomorrow."

"I know."

"I don't want to leave at all. It's quiet, I don't have to think, I don't have to try and remember or even want to remember. I hear about it from Sam and I can almost picture it. Two bratty kids running around this place while their uncle Bobby builds them a swing or helps with a treehouse."

"Complaining the entire time, but loving every minute of it." Cas finished.

"Yep," Dean laughed. "That's the picture right there."

"You have plenty of time to come up here, Dean. You're going to live to be a grumpy old man." Cas tried to keep the emotion and relief out of his voice.

"Oh, and I know I'll be grumpy. The asshole side of me hasn't quite kicked in yet, but I don't doubt that it's there."

"Give it time, it will." Cas let go of Dean's hand and stood up. "Sam's going to start wondering why we keep wandering off and I don't think that..."

"Now is the best time to tell him about this? I hate that you're right. Let's go back. We can pretend like we are interested in whatever in the hell he's working on."

\-------------------------

"Okay, so that's obviously a vampire. You have to remove the head on that one, right?"

"Yeah. Swing a machete."

"That sounds, unpleasant." Dean said, waiting for Sam to switch to the next slide. Sam started out hesitant when Dean sat down and asked about his work, but he found himself actually enjoying talking about it from a research standpoint and not rehashing hunts gone bad or strategizing their next move. He turned to Dean periodically to see if any of it meant anything to him, but it didn't seem to. They were just stories.

It was their last night at the cabin and Cas watched Sam and Dean walk outside and into the woods. He knew that they needed time, they needed more time together than he and Dean did. Sam was his brother, and the most important person in Dean's life. Sam could tell him things that made him feel human again, they were slowly putting the pieces together, but leaving out the things that he didn't need to know. Cas busied himself cleaning and packing up most of what they'd brought with them so that they could leave in the morning. He had no doubt that Dean would come to him tonight.

\-------------------------

"You know, sometimes there are questions I want to ask, but I don't know how."

Sam turned to Dean, "like what?"

"Personal shit, I guess."

"Okay..."

"Well, it seems like you and I have pretty much always been together, other than went you went to school, so I'm guessing that you know me better than anyone."

"Yeah, I probably do. Where is this going? Or do I not want to know?"

"Never mind, it's not important."

"No, Dean, what do you want to know?"

"So, uh, I know that I've never had a relationship or wanted one or any of that, which makes sense. The shit does sound messy and complicated and obviously not my thing. Cas let it slip that I was 'that guy' which means I was a man whore, and trust me, I have no problem with that. But, I'm just wondering if there is anything else that I was, I don't know, into."

"Do you mean like guys?"

"Yeah."

"Honestly, I always suspected that you'd play for either team but we never actually talked about it. So, uh, I wouldn't rule it out but I don't know for sure. Why?"

"Just curious. One of those laying in bed trying to figure out who in the hell I am type of things. I wonder if I was as big of an asshole to men as I was to women."

Sam laughed, "Probably."

"How many people do you think I've been with?"

"It's probably in the triple digits." Sam smiled.

"With my looks and charm, that doesn't surprise me."

They kept walking and talking, Sam telling the few stories that he dared to tell, staying vague on the sensitive subjects. Cas was right. It was obvious that there were things that Dean just didn't want to know.

\-------------------------

Dean didn't say a word, he just climbed under the blankets behind Cas and wrapped his arms around him. "Hey," he finally whispered, placing a gentle kiss on the back of Cas's neck. Cas rolled in his arms. "So I'm really in the mood to get myself completely frustrated and in need of a cold shower," Dean grinned. He had their shirts off before he rolled Cas on his back and settled between his legs. He intertwined their fingers and held Cas's hands against the pillow as he leaned down for a hungry kiss. Cas kissed him back eagerly, starting to slowly writhe beneath him. This wasn't gentle and soft like last night, this was needy and heated. Dean was rocking his hips, sweat collecting between their chests as he kissed Cas with a passion that bordered on desperation. He was so hard that it hurt. He wanted to reach between them, slide his hand along Cas, undo buttons and slowly pull zippers, but he'd promised that he would take this slow, do it the right way. He groaned when he released Cas's hands and felt the fingers digging into his shoulders, massaging the muscles. Again, he trailed his mouth down Cas's chest, swirling his tongue around the sensitive nipple before taking it into his mouth. His hands slowly caressed Cas's sides, stopping at his hips. Dean kissed his way down Cas's stomach, leaving a trail of soft bites, running his tongue along the waistband of Cas's pants. He heard the gasp and wanted to feel Cas, to taste him. He ran his tongue along Cas's waistband again, this time sliding it inside, almost grazing the head of Cas's cock. They were both panting, Dean looked up and could see the fine sheen of sweat on Cas's stomach, his chest rise and fall with the heavy breaths, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. It would be easy, so easy to let it happen. They both wanted it and Dean was torn. He finally crawled back up, letting his chest slide against Cas's, feeling as much of Cas's skin as he dared. "Is there room for two in that cold shower?" Cas whispered. "I think the two of us in the shower would defeat the purpose of a cold shower." Dean nuzzled Cas's neck before kissing him slowly, trying to ignore how hard they both were, how badly they both wanted it. Cas didn't ask questions, he knew why Dean was doing it this way, but it didn't make it any easier. He had no experience, he just knew that he wanted to feel Dean's body against his. "So it looks like the foam pad is a lot different than the soft narrow couch," Dean said quietly, rolling on his side and pulling Cas to him. Cas just mumbled in agreement, distracted by the feeling of Dean's breath on the back of his neck, his fingers tracing lazy patterns on his chest and stomach. Cas heard the soft snore and felt Dean's hand stop moving. He knew that he should wake him up, but he didn't want to move. Not yet. He laid there feeling Dean's heartbeat against his back, replaying the day, the last couple of months, over in his head. He knew that there was no way that Dean would find out that they were lying, but he couldn't help but wonder what would happen if he did. He knew that this, whatever was going on between Dean and him, would end. Dean would leave and it would be months before Sam or Bobby heard from him. 

\-------------------------

Cas woke Dean up just before dawn and he reluctantly pulled his shirt over his head, gave Cas a sleepy kiss, and moved back to the couch. Sam didn't notice anything when he walked quietly through the room, trying not to wake his brother up. He looked down and smiled at Cas laying on the foam pad, the trip had worked out better than he expected and he wanted Cas to know that there were no hard feelings. They were feeling like a family again. Sam didn't protest when Dean wanted the keys, and with a bittersweet goodbye, they locked the cabin door, climbed in the Impala, and headed home.

\-------------------------

Bobby was outside tinkering with one of his old trucks when they pulled down the drive. All three boys looked tired but happy. Sam was right, he was almost starting to forget that they were lying to Dean most of the time. He was telling Dean about the life that he should have had, the life that he deserved. He stood up and turned to help them unload the car when he felt his sleeve catch and the sharp pain of jagged metal rip into his flesh. "What in the hell?" he called, pulling his sleeve up. He had a deep gash that ran about three inches up his forearm. Dean turned and saw Bobby's face going pale, and then he saw the blood. "Sam!" he yelled, "Grab me a chair, a cooler, a tool chest. Something, anything that Bobby can sit on. He cut his arm open and he's bleeding like a son of a bitch. Cas! Get me the first aid kid out of the glove box and then grab me the bottle of scotch out of the house." Dean grabbed a clean shop rag and pressed it against Bobby's arm. "Sam, scratch that. Let's get him inside. I need him sitting at the table, but we're going to need more rags and towels. He's bleeding pretty good." Bobby just kind of grunted and groaned when Dean helped him up the stairs and into the kitchen, sitting him down at the table. "Fold up a couple of towels to put under his arm, look in the first aid box for a curved upholstery needle and find some dental floss. Cas, did you get the bottle?" Cas set the bottle on the table and dug the needle and floss out of the kit while Sam folded towels. Dean slid some towels under Bobby's arm and unscrewed the bottle of scotch, "Okay Bobby, take a big drink and then hold your breath. This is going to hurt like hell. Let's just hope it isn't mint flavored dental floss. That shit stings." Bobby took a drink and Dean poured the rotgut over the wound, feeling the older man tense. "That was the easy part, now you have to hold still. Do you want a belt or something to bite down on?" Bobby shook his head, he'd been through this before. Cas handed Dean the threaded needle and they watched while he carefully stitched Bobby up, Sam wiping away blood so that he could see what he was doing. "These fucking jagged cuts, this is a bitch." Dean muttered, expertly using the needle to pull the skin together. It took over twenty neat stitches before he was finally done. He poured more scotch on it and let Sam put a bandage over it. "Nice work, kid." Bobby panted. Dean started to feel dizzy when the adrenaline wore off and he dropped his head in his hands. Cas squatted down next to him, "Hey, are you okay?" Dean was focused on controlling his breathing. "Yeah, I'm good." He looked around to make sure that nobody was paying attention before he leaned down and kissed Cas softly on the forehead. "Thank you, and way to hustle." Cas smiled and stood up, rubbing Dean's back before he started to clean up the mess. Sam had already tried to convince Bobby to lay down, he'd lost a lot of blood, but only got him as far as his desk.

"Now how in the hell are we going to explain that to him?" Bobby said quietly. "He's probably going to want to know where he learned how to stitch somebody up, and how to do it as clean as he does. He's better than any doctor out there."

"At least Cas kept his head and didn't just try to heal you, that would have been a lot harder to explain. Don't worry Bobby. He knows that we lived on the road, that we had a messed up childhood. I don't think he'd be surprised to find out that we had to learn to do things like that."

"Let me guess," Dean said, finally walking into the room with an empty glass in his shaking hand, looking for the bottle, hoping that it was on Bobby's desk. "Dear old dad wasn't a big fan of taking us to the doctor so we had to learn to do that kind of shit. That's not even a question, it's the only explanation I can come up with. Did that bastard to anything good for us? Ever? I have yet to hear a single story, one, about him that makes me believe that he actually gave a shit. I've asked questions, I begged Cas one night to tell me good things and do you know what those good things were? That I was a good enough brother to steal shit so that Sammy could have a Christmas. That I went without so that Sam didn't. That I would give Sam my fucking jacket to stay warm, mine. Those are all things that a father should have done. He should have been there, he should have provided. He should have bought his eight year old son a fucking Christmas present. That son of a bitch never cared." He cried, finally throwing the glass against the wall. "Thank god I don't remember." He stormed out of the house while the three of them watched.

"I'm going to go..."

"No, Sam. You need to stay here. Let me go after him. Maybe I never should have told him those things, but he's known for awhile that he raised you, John didn't. If you go out there he's just going to feel worse. I'm not a part of this. Seeing me won't hurt him, seeing you will."

"The boy's got a point, Sam. Just let him go. He's always been able to talk Dean down, we all know that. Memory or not, Dean is still Dean and obviously he still has the same temper." Bobby sighed.

Sam nodded at Cas with tears in his eyes before he sat on the couch and dropped his head into his hands.

\-------------------------

"Dean!" Cas called. He could see Dean walking down the path in the yard. "Dean!" 

"Go back in the house, Cas. I'm in no mood."

Cas jogged to catch up with him, "I don't care if you're in the mood or not. That was big and I'm not letting you wander out here alone." Cas reached out and grabbed Dean's arm, turning him around. Tears were streaming down Dean's face. "Come here," Cas whispered, putting his arms around Dean, feeling the hesitation before Dean hugged him back. Dean held on to Cas and cried against his neck, his entire body shaking. Cas did what he could to calm him, but he knew the best thing was to just hold him. Dean's body eventually relaxed and he let go of Cas, taking a step back.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"For what? Being human? Putting two and two together and realizing why we don't really talk about him?"

"I hate the bastard, Cas. He's my father, I don't remember a thing about him, but I hate him. I mean thank god my childhood was fucked up enough that I had to learn how to stitch somebody up or we'd still be sitting in an ER waiting for Bobby's turn. But how many times have I had to to that exact same thing to my little brother? How many things did I have to fix for Sam? Did that son of a bitch do anything for us? Ever?"

"I don't know, Dean." Cas said gently, reaching out for Dean's hands. "But you said that family isn't about blood. Your uncle in there, the one that you just stitched up, is more of a father to you than John Winchester ever was, and that's not my opinion, that's what I've been told for years. You don't remember John, you don't need to remember John. Are you proud of Sam and the things he's accomplished? That was all because of you. You took care of him and the guy ended up with a full scholarship to Stanford. John had nothing to do with that. There are things that you want to remember, I know that. But maybe there are things that are better left behind." Cas saw fresh tears as Dean reached for him and pulled him close.

"Why do you care so damn much about a asshole grease monkey who apparently has anger management issues."

"Because you are a lot more than an asshole grease monkey who has anger management issues. Why won't you have sex with me."

"Because you're special Cas, I want it to mean something."

"Then you understand why I care so damn much. I see things in you, just like you see things in me."

Dean pulled Cas closer, "Don't go anywhere, Cas. I need you."

"I'm not going anywhere."

\-------------------------

They let go of each other's hands and Dean tried to wipe the tear stains off of his cheeks before they went back into the house. "Listen Bobby, about the glass and the temper tantrum..."

"Son, it's okay. Sam cleaned up the glass and the temper tantrum was long overdue. John Winchester was a bastard and I've been telling you for years that you are twice the man that he ever was. So don't you be sorry for finally realizing the truth. You stitched me up without thinking twice and I need to thank you for that."

"No you don't. I was just doing what a good son should do."

"Damn right." Bobby smiled, tears in his eyes. 

"You okay, Dean? Do you want a drink?" Sam asked from the kitchen doorway.

"How about yes and yes."

"Okay, I got it,"

They could hear the distant sounds of Sam looking for bottles and pouring drinks when Dean dropped, exhausted, onto the couch waiting for Cas to sit next to him. It didn't go unnoticed when he put his feet on the coffee table and leaned his head on Cas's shoulder. Bobby knew that angel boy had always been able to deal with Dean when no one else could, and it seemed that hadn't changed. They'd thought that eventually Dean would realize that Cas wasn't a good fit and the friendship would end, but Bobby saw that they couldn't have been more wrong. Dean wasn't about to let Cas go anywhere.

Dean lifted his head when Sam came back with drinks. Scotch for everyone, soda for Cas. His stomach still couldn't handle the rotgut. 

"Dean?"

"I'm okay Sam, I am. So far this whole thing hasn't been that emotional, I guess I was bound to break sooner than later. I'm just sorry."

"For what?"

"For the way we grew up. I don't remember it, but you do."

"I want to remember it. Everything that Cas told you is true. You took care of me, you raised me. I don't want to forget that. But now you know, and we can put it behind us. None of it matters anymore."

"I know, Sammy. What I have in this room, that's all that matters." 

Dean's hand resting on Cas's leg for a moment didn't go unnoticed by Bobby either.

\-------------------------

"Let me guess, you couldn't sleep so you're just passing through to go grab something to drink?" Dean smiled when Cas crawled under the blanket.

"Something like that."

Dean rolled him on his back and kissed him deeply, "I meant what I said. I need you, Cas." he whispered. He sat up to slide his shirt off and felt Cas's fingers travel up his stomach, tracing every muscle that he'd already memorized. Cas's hands slid lower, and he made no move to stop him. He moaned softly when he felt a hand cup him through his pants, a palm rub against his cock, moving faster as he grew harder. His button came undone and the zipper slowly slid down, freeing him, gentle fingers finally touching him. It was the point of no return, they couldn't have stopped themselves if they'd wanted to. Their lips touched, tongues sliding together as they unzipped, tugged, pulled, and pushed until their clothes laid in a pile on the floor. Dean settled between Cas's legs, trapping their hard cocks between them. They rocked together in a sultry rhythm with deep sighs and low moans. They kissed deeply, passionately, Dean's hands on either side of Cas's face, Cas's hands trailing up and down Dean's spine and across his shoulders. Cas could already feel something building inside of him. He slid his hands down and pressed them against Dean's lower back, holding their bodies as close as he could get them. "Dean..." Cas whispered. "I know baby" Dean's kisses became hungry, his rhythm faster as they both felt themselves building. Dean watched Cas pull his bottom lip between his teeth and his head tilt back before he heard his name as a soft moan and felt the warmth spread between their stomachs. Dean was right there with him, and buried his face in Cas's neck to keep from crying out. They rocked slowly, breathless and satisfied. Dean pulled himself up on his elbows and just looked at Cas, tried to see his eyes in the fire light. "You're beautiful, Cas. Everything about you." Cas leaned up for a kiss. "Thank you, Dean. For everything."

\-------------------------

"It looks like I'm going to have to clean us up with my t-shirt, I wasn't exactly expecting this to happen tonight." Dean grinned, wiping off Cas's stomach. 

"I wasn't expecting it either, but we needed it. After everything else."

Dean dropped his sticky t-shirt on the floor and slid back under the blanket on his side, facing Cas. "I needed something. I needed to feel close to someone, to you."

"I know you did." Cas wrapped his arm around Dean, placing his hand on the back of his head and pulling him into a long kiss. 

"For someone who's never done any of this before, you seem to know exactly what you're doing." Dean groaned, exhausted and satisfied but feeling himself starting to grow hard again. "Just ignore that," he whispered. "I don't think that I could come again no matter how hard we tried."

"Maybe that means it's time to get dressed."

Dean whined softly, "really?"

"Do you want Sam or Bobby seeing this?"

"Oh, look at that, all you had to do was say Sam or Bobby and it went away." Dean grinned, taking his clothes from Cas's hand. "I hate that you have to go back upstairs."

"I know, but I don't think that Sam would understand. Not yet. I don't know that I understand it."

"Well, I guess it's just something else that I'll have to keep teaching you." Dean grinned. "Now kiss me and get your sexy ass upstairs before I pull you back down on this couch."

Cas bent down and kissed him before walking away. Dean watched him go up the stairs with absolutely no idea that he would be back down and in the corner watching him sleep just like he did every other night. Sometimes he still mumbled and mewled while he tossed and turned. Sometimes Cas still would go to him and touch him softly to calm him. He still didn't want to know what Dean's thoughts were. He just hoped that it was true, that he would never remember any of the bad things, especially hell.

\-------------------------

Dean did have dreams, but they didn't make any sense to him. There was always a flashing light, almost like a low strobe, and screaming. Men, women, children, himself. He never saw people, he never saw anything, he just heard them and he didn't know what it meant. Some nights he dealt with it, fought to ignore it. But some nights, the dream would just end and he would feel almost like he was floating. At first he wondered if it was a memory, something that had to do with the life that he couldn't remember. Now he just ignored them, he didn't want to know. He knew the truth about John Winchester, he didn't need to know anymore.

\-------------------------

Cas still pretended to take calls from his brothers. He still left every few weeks to go take care of family business. He knew that he had to keep up the charade, it was the only way to keep everything together. They all breathed a sigh of relief when they realized that Dean thought that John was what they had been hiding from him. He was a little quieter than usual for a few days after that night, but eventually came back. He worked on cars, Sam worked on his book, and Bobby worked on making sure that his boys were okay and that the truth stay hidden.

\-------------------------

"I need to talk to you, Castiel."

Cas was sitting on a park bench, killing time before he could call to have somebody pick him up from the bus stop. "Gabriel..."

"What Zachariah did to you, that was big news. Talk about the punishment fitting the crime, I'm sorry Castiel but it's true. Now unfortunately for him, his plan didn't work. Ever since you came to me asking questions, I've been checking in. Zachariah meant to take away your favorite toy, but instead you got a new and improved version. It's clear that you aren't going to give Dean Winchester up. I don't think that Zachariah knows, you are a foot soldier and as far as he's concerned the matter has been dealt with. You know that you are somewhat of a pariah because of the decisions that you've made. I just came here to tell you that it's probably in your best interest not to come upstairs any time soon. This isn't a threat, Castiel. I've always liked you. It would just be wise for you to stay down here. The Winchesters aren't players anymore, and everybody knows that. They have become somewhat anonymous, and so have you. Let's keep it that way."

Gabriel disappeared just as quickly as he had appeared. Cas realized that he hadn't been disavowed, but he had been disowned. Gabriel did not want him back as a member of the family. He knew that he couldn't stretch this family infighting story much further, so he might as well tell the truth when he got back to Bobby's.

\-------------------------

He always loved it when it was Dean who picked him up. He would get an ardent hug and sweet kiss before they got in the car. Dean didn't care what people thought, he was just happy to have Cas home. This time was no exception.

"How was it?"

"Painful," Cas laughed. "I'll tell you about it when we get home." 

They had pulled onto the highway when Cas reached over and started rubbing Dean through his pants. "Um, not that I really mind, but do you think that this is the time or place?"

"It's the perfect time and place." Cas grinned, undoing the button and sliding down the zipper of Dean's pants. Dean's grip on the steering wheel was turning his knuckles white when Cas bent down and slid his tongue across the head of his cock. He wrapped his fingers around the base and slowly stroked while he licked and sucked, finally taking it into his mouth. He slid his head up and down, swirling his tongue against the silky skin of the shaft and sucking gently. Dean just groaned and placed his hand on the back of Cas's head, encouraging him while trying to focus on the road. Cas was taking him deeper and deeper, moving his mouth faster. He could feel Dean start to throb, and he moaned, sending waves through Dean's body. "Oh god Cas..." Cas slid his head forward and felt the sticky come slide down the back of his throat. He gently licked and sucked until Dean went limp before tucking him back in his pants and sitting up. 

"What in the hell was that?"

"Seriously Dean?"

"I mean, I know what that was, and it was amazing, but you could have gotten us killed."

"But I didn't."

"You are such an asshole, Cas." Dean grinned.

"Tell me you didn't love it."

"You are such an asshole."

"Come one, tell me."

"I am so getting you back for that."

Cas smiled, "I'm counting on it." 

\-------------------------

After spending some time at the library while he was supposed to be with family, Cas knew that he could probably sound convincing when he dropped the bombshell that there would be no inheritance and that he was done with his family.

"Well," he said at dinner. "The good news is, the infighting is over. The bad news is, I'm not going to see a penny."

Sam looked at him with surprise, they hadn't talked about this. "Uh, so what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. It was all decided last night, so I haven't really had time to think. The way the will was drawn up, Zachariah is the executor and he decided to cut me out. So, I'm out of the will and I talked to Gabriel. We decided it would be best if I just stayed away from the family entirly." He gave Sam a pointed look, hoping that he might catch on, but Sam just looked more confused.

"Okay, so you won't be rich." Dean shrugged.

"As of right now, I won't be anything."

"That's not true, boy. You're one of us and you'll stay here until you get something figured out." Bobby finally said. All three of them looked at Bobby. Dean knew that Bobby liked Cas, but he had already started to figure out how he was going to talk Bobby into letting Cas stay. Sam knew that Bobby could see that they'd needed Cas to run interference, that Cas could calm Dean down, but Bobby had also said that he expected the relationship would run it's course. Cas didn't know what to think.

"Thank you, Bobby. I appreciate that."

"Don't thank me. It's these two knuckleheads who dragged you in here. I just got used to ya." Bobby smiled. He'd realized that for whatever reason, Dean needed Cas. He did before and apparently losing his memory hadn't changed that. He could see that Sam was about ready to fly out of his chair and drag Cas into the next room. "But I am gonna make you earn your keep. You and Sam are in charge of dishes tonight," he grinned, pushing himself away from the table and standing up. "C'mon Dean, let's pour a drink and take these damn stitches out of my arm. They should have come out awhile ago. and if I weren't right handed I woulda done it myself."

"Well if you'd stop scratching at them like I told you then they would have come out a long time ago."

"It's all healed up. Now I'm not going to pour you a drink until after they come out."

Sam and Cas just listened to them bicker as they walked into the library. Cas got up and started picking up the dishes.

"Don't you think that we should have talked about this bombshell?"

Cas stood by the sink and sighed, "Gabriel came to me. I told you that even though I didn't ask him to return Dean's memory, I did talk to him. I guess he's been checking in on me and in his words instead of taking away my favorite toy I got a new and improved version. He suggested that I not come upstairs anytime soon."

"Did he..."

"Disavow me? No, more like disowned. He said that Zachariah has no idea and probably won't bother to check, he figures that the punishment fit the crime and it's all over. However, I should just stay away from anything remotely celestial. I probably should have called and told you, but we both knew that my story had to end somehow."

"I know, but none of us were ready. What if Bobby hadn't asked you to stay?"

Cas finished loading the dishes in the sink full of soapy water, "I guess I just thought that he would. Sometimes Dean needs somebody who isn't family, we saw that the night that he talked about your father. I've told you before, I'm the outsider. I'm not a brother or an uncle, I'm just a friend and maybe he needs that once in awhile."

"Yeah, I know. It's been months and I need to stop worrying. Besides that whole ordeal about our dad, everything has been okay. And that whole blow up needed to happen, even before he lost his memory. Part of the reason he always hated himself is because he thought that he was just like our father, he never saw that he wasn't. I wanted to be pissed at you for telling him those things about when we were kids."

"I'm sorry Sam. He was upset and he wanted me to tell him something good. He needed to know that he'd done some good things in his life. I couldn't tell him anything that involved hunting, so that's the first thing that came to mind."

"Which is why I wasn't pissed at you. You didn't lie to him, you told him something real that he needed to hear. Now I hate that he feels guilty when he shouldn't, he did the best he could. He did more than a kid should have to do. I'm the one who should feel guilty as hell, but it's not on us, it's on our father and we can't change it."

Cas was rinsing off the last plate when Sam finally turned to him, "We need to figure this out. What to do with you. It's not like you're human and can just go get a job."

Cas sighed, "Sam, can we hold off on the lies for awhile? Can't we just let things be for now? He is actually a mechanic, you are actually writing a book. Can't we just stop and breathe?" 

"No, you're right. We'll stop and breathe." Sam smiled, putting the dried plate in the cupboard. 

\-------------------------

"So what exactly are we doing out here?"

"It's a nice night."

"It's freezing, Dean."

"But the sky is clear, you can see the stars. Come here, I know a good spot." Dean pulled Cas between two rows of cars and held him against an old van with his body. He leaned in and pressed their lips together, pulling back before Cas could feel his tongue. "Remember earlier? When I told you that I was going to get you back for the road head?" Dean smiled and leaned in again, this time letting Cas feel his tongue while slipping his fingers through his belt loops, pulling their hips together and slowly grinding. He kissed and nipped at all of the places he knew drove Cas crazy before his slid his hand between them and against Cas's cock. He was rubbing and squeezing, kissing Cas passionately, but keeping Cas's hands from trying to return the favor. "You are really going to do this?" Cas was starting to breathe heavily, "Here? Through my pants?" Dean just grinned and kept rubbing, sliding his other hand up Cas's shirt. Cas moaned against Dean's mouth and their kiss became desperate. "Dean..." he moaned again. Dean just squeezed and rubbed faster, knowing that Cas was ready. "Come on baby," he whispered in his ear. "Come on." The heat of Dean's breath made Cas visibly shiver and Dean pressed their lips together before Cas could call out while he came. Dean pulled away, panting and grabbed a clean shop rag out of his back pocket. He pulled up Cas's shirt, undid his pants, and cleaned up the mess. "Asshole..." Cas whispered. Dean just grinned, leaning against a car with his arms crossed, looking at Cas. "Okay, maybe I am an asshole, but I am a cute and charming asshole." Cas tried to glare, but couldn't. "Okay, you've got me on that. So is this sneak attack thing over?" Dean pushed himself away from the car and wrapped his arms around Cas. "Not by a long shot, baby."

\-------------------------

Cas didn't climb onto the couch that night wanting sex, he just wanted to be with Dean. They laid wrapped in each other's arms and talked.

"Did I remember her? Ever?"

"Your mother?"

"Yeah."

"No, not really. I know that you tried, I know that you desperately wanted to, but you were only four years old, Dean. There's really no way you could have."

"If I could have one memory back, that would be it. I would just want to remember her."

Cas wrapped his arms a little tighter, "That's what you've always wanted."

"Sam looks just like her and I look just like him, I hate that."

Cas was getting nervous, the old Dean hated so many things about himself, "Who you look like doesn't determine who you are. You stepped up when he wouldn't."

"I know. What about your family? We never really talk about them."

"I'm not like any of them, not anymore. That's why Gabriel asked me to stay away. Maybe it should bother me, but it really doesn't. I see the world so differently than they do. I could never be like them. Not again."

"It really doesn't bother you?"

"No."

"You'd really rather be here in this palatial salvage yard with a grumpy bear, a high school drop out grease monkey, and a snot nosed brat who is way too smart for his own good?"

"Yes. You're loud and argumentative. You bicker all of the time and get on each others nerves. You butt heads over damn near everything. But, at the end of the day you all still love each other. Why wouldn't I want to be here? I feel things when I'm here, and that means everything."

"Is your family really that cold?"

"Yes, they are. They think that I've gone soft, but they can't see it. They don't know what they are missing by being that way. I know that I run the risk of getting hurt, but it's worth it to me. I told you once that even if I'm feeling pain, at least I'm feeling something."

"You make it sound so simple."

"It is, Dean. You may not realize it, but you are a lot like that. Like up at the cabin. I watched you when Sam would tell you stories about things that you did as children. The way you looked, the way you smiled, it was incredible. It was almost like hearing those things for the first time made you happier than experiencing them, because now you can appreciate how much the smallest things can mean. When you woke me up and showed me things, you got to repeat the stories that you'd heard, it made them real. I'd never felt as close to you as I did that day."

"That's why I kissed you. It's like all of these things that you tell me you see in me, you actually see them. I can tell that you know things about me, you know how I'm feeling or what I need. You believe in me, and I don't really understand why."

"I can't explain it. You are just very important to me. I've always wanted you to really see yourself, and I think you're starting to."

"Am I that different?"

"Not really, you were just a lot angrier."

"Because of John?" Dean asked quietly, he almost cringed when he said his father's name.

"I think so. But you've put him behind you. You have a father here in this house who loves you more than anything. We all know that he favors you over Sam. That man would do anything for you, like a father should. Sam, he can be bossy and controlling, but he would also do anything for you. And you know that I would."

Dean paused and kissed the top of Cas's head. "Yeah, I know," he said thickly. "This doesn't seem messy or complicated."

"It doesn't need to be," Cas whispered. 

"After what we talked about at the motel, about neither of us being made that way, and now we're here. Maybe I'm making assumptions."

"I don't want anyone but you, Dean. Your hands are the first that I've ever felt, and I can't imagine feeling any others."

"I can't imagine touching anybody else." Dean whispered.

They laid in comfortable silence until they knew that it was time for Cas to go upstairs. It was getting harder and harder for Dean to watch him go.

\-------------------------

Dean was sitting with Sam, going over slides on his computer, "Have you always been such a nut about this shit, Bobby? I actually understand most of it."

"I guess I have. You grew up around this library, watching me translate and research. At some point you must have listened."

"I guess so. I'm not geeking out on it like Sam does, but it is interesting. It's hard to believe that people really think that this shit exists, that they've come up with ways to kill it."

"It's just lore. Stories that are handed down and changed with each generation. They get crazier every time that they are told." Sam said. He wasn't nervous about showing Dean his work anymore. He was actually excited when Dean would sit down and ask questions. Dean felt like he knew enough about it to be part of the conversation instead of on the outside looking in. Cas had asked Sam if they could just take some time to breathe, and that's exactly what Sam was doing. He felt close to Dean in a way that he never had before. He wasn't relying on his brother to watch his ass and make sure that he lived through a hunt. They just hung out. Dean had a normal life. They would go to the diner, they would go to movies. Sometimes Sam got stuck on a text, so Dean and Cas would end up going alone. Sam did find it kind of strange that Dean hadn't gone to the bar yet, that he hadn't put himself out there, but maybe he wasn't ready. At least he wasn't setting himself up for barfights, which had been something he'd never hesitated to do. At then end of the day the four of them could put their heads on their pillow feeling safe.

\-------------------------

"So I was digging through my bag today and I found a couple of interesting things."

"Oh yeah?" Cas asked.

"Uh, yeah. You were right about being 'that guy'. A bottle of lube and enough condoms to last a normal guy years. It looks like I was buying the shit in bulk."

Cas laughed, "It wouldn't surprise me."

"Anyway, I didn't bring it up as a fun fact. I got to thinking..."

"You want to...I mean..."

"Cas, the last thing that I want to do is hurt you, but I want to feel close to you. We've done everything else, and I've loved every minute of it. We don't have to. I just thought...."

"No, we can."

"Are you just saying that to make me happy?"

"Maybe a little, but there may be something there other than the pain. I'll never know unless I do it."

Dean pulled the bottle of lube out from under the couch and set it on the coffee table.

"That was a little presumptuous." Cas teased.

"Presumptuous would have been leaving it on the coffee table instead of hiding it," Dean grinned. He was nervous, and he knew that Cas was nervous. "I'll be careful, baby. I promise."

Cas melted every time Dean called him 'baby'. He slid out of his clothes and let Dean move the pillows under his hips. He took a deep breath and tried to relax. "I'm going to do everything I can not to hurt you, and we can stop at any time. I just...being inside of you..." Cas reached and pulled Dean to him. "I know." Dean spread Cas's legs wide and settled between them. There was enough light for them to lock eyes, intense green and bluer than blue. Dean bent to kiss Cas softly, he felt things for Cas that he didn't understand. They touched gently, hands moving slowly across warm skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Full lips finding all of the right places to kiss and bite, pulling blood to the surface but not caring. Their kisses were deep and sultry, Cas was relaxed when Dean reached for the bottle and dripped some on to his fingers. He watched for Cas's nod before he slid his finger around, pressing on Cas's virgin hole. He slipped it in, and felt Cas gasp, but relax when he started moving it in and out. "You are so incredible," Dean whispered, catching Cas in a heated kiss while he slipped the second finger in, trying to stretch Cas. He could feel Cas writhing, he could hear the mewling. "I can stop..." he whispered. "No, Dean. Just take it slow." Dean nodded and sat up, his eyes taking in every inch of Cas's body, all of the places that his hands and mouth already knew. He was beautiful. His other hand slid up Cas's stomach and across his chest, fingers gently trailing. He saw the look of white hot pain when he slipped the third finger in and moved to pull them out when Cas grabbed his shoulders. They both felt an almost electric jolt. Cas pulled his hand away, the pain forgotten. He couldn't stop staring at Dean's shoulder, he was surprised that he hadn't noticed it before. "What is that?" he asked with a shaky voice. "It's a birthmark." Cas swallowed hard. In a way it was a birthmark, it was the reason that he felt the way he did about Dean. He reached out to touch it again and felt something move through his body. He didn't realize that he was rocking against Dean's fingers until one found his sweet spot. He arched and moaned, gripping Dean's shoulder, matching up the mark with his own hand. This was as close as he and Dean could ever feel. Dean pulled his fingers out and buried his slick cock in one movement, Cas's breath caught. He was so tight, something between them was so strong, that Dean was ready to come. This wasn't about him, this was about Cas, it was about them. Dean slowly rocked his hips, watching Cas's face. They locked eyes and Cas lifted his hips to meet Dean's gentle thrust, he shifted and felt Cas's moan in his chest. "Right there..." Cas begged. Dean gently slid in and out,his cock grazing Cas's sweet spot with every movement. It was like nothing that Cas had ever felt. Dean reached between them and wrapped his hand around Cas, slowly stroking, wanting Cas to come, needing Cas to come. Between his hand on Dean's shoulder and his cock inside of him, Cas could feel the waves of pleasure starting to roll over him. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and arched, Dean's name as a soft moan when he came. He was dizzy, but he wanted to feel more. His hips tilted higher, encouraging Dean to thrust, letting Dean know that he could take it. Their bodies met and Dean let out a strangled cry when he came. He melted against Cas's body, feeling a satisfaction that he'd never be able to describe. He buried his face in Cas's neck and Cas finally pulled his hand away from the mark, the remnant of the day that they met. He could feel the tears rolling from the corners of his eyes and across his temples. He needed Dean's body close, he needed to feel as much of Dean as he could. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly, still trying to catch his breath. Dean finally lifted himself on his elbows, "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" he could see Cas's tears. "No," Cas said with a quiet shaky voice. "I just...I don't know..." Dean kissed him gently, "I know, baby."

\-------------------------

Dean had long since pulled out and gone limp, but he was still settled between Cas's legs. He pulled the blanket up to cover them and pressed their foreheads together. "Really, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Dean. It didn't hurt as much as I expected it to. None of it was what I expected."

"Me neither. That was incredible." He bent his head for a quick kiss and pulled himself back up onto his elbows. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Cas said quietly.

"What happened that night? The night I lost my memory."

The room was silent until Dean heard Cas start to softly cry, "it was my fault, Dean." 

"How was it your fault?"

"They were trying to take something from me."

"Like mug you, steal from you."

"Something like that. They wanted to take what was most valuable to me. It was my fault, Dean and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Sshhh, baby. No, don't be sorry. Cas, look at me, please." Dean waited until he could see those perfect blue eyes, "What did they want?"

"They wanted me to lose everything, they wanted what I couldn't give up."

"Cas..."

"Dean, please." Cas sobbed. "I don't want to talk about it, I can't talk about it."

"Okay, baby, we don't have to talk about it. But none of this is your fault." He bent his head to gently kiss Cas, he would give anything to take away the tears. "There's one thing that I need to know. Did they get it? Did they take it from you?"

"No. I thought they did, but I found it."

Dean kissed him again and relaxed in Cas's arms while Cas cried against him. He whispered reassuring words, sweet words, gentle words that Cas needed to hear. He wiped the tears away with his thumbs and cupped Cas's face. He bent down for a long kiss then leaned back and searched for Cas's eyes. There were so many things that he still didn't understand, and so many things that he wanted to say, but he knew that Cas could see it all when they finally looked at one another. The intense green eyes locked on the bluer than blue ones told a story that didn't need words.

\-------------------------

Sam needed a drink and made it to the middle landing before he heard them. When he knelt down he could see Cas and Dean in an embrace, covered by a blanket. It was obvious that they had just made love. He heard Dean ask Cas what happened that night. He knew he should just go back upstairs, but he wanted to hear Cas's explanation. He could feel his own tears while he listened to Cas's response, while he listened to the rest of the conversation. It wasn't until Cas stopped crying and Dean reached to cup his face and kiss him that Sam silently moved back up the stairs. Cas and Dean were lovers, a lot of things made sense now.

Sam didn't know how to feel about the revelation that Cas and Dean were sleeping together. He wasn't upset, he wasn't even that surprised, but now his conversation with Dean at the cabin made sense. They had either already started or were close to starting a sexual relationship and Dean wanted to know if he'd ever been with a man before. Sam knew that something like this had been a long time in coming, even before Dean lost his memory. Cas seemed to give something to Dean that nobody else could. He kept hearing Cas's explanation, his plea to stop talking about it over and over in his head. Dean had always been everything to Cas, and he always would be. Sam laid awake long enough to hear Cas come up the stairs and down the hallway, shutting the bedroom door quietly behind him.

\-------------------------

Dean snuck up behind Cas and wrapped one arm around his waist, resting his chin on Cas's shoulder. "Bobby asked me if I'd go pick up some things in town, do you want to go?" he whispered. 

"Sure. It would be nice to get out of here for a few hours." 

Dean pulled him closer, "Okay, let me finish up a few things and we'll go." He dropped a soft kiss on the back of Cas's neck before he walked away. 

\-------------------------

Dean interlaced his fingers with Cas's and pulled his hand to his lips before setting them on the seat between them. Cas smiled, but Dean could see that it was forced. He pulled into the diner parking lot, "I don't know about you, but I could use something to eat." Cas forced another smile and followed him inside. They sat down and ordered, a greasy burger for Dean and a cup of coffee for Cas.

"Okay, what's going on?"

"Dean, I'm fine."

"Cas, you are not fine. You have that sad eyes fake smile thing going on. You barely ate anything this morning, you aren't eating now. Is this about last night?"

Cas sighed, "I...I just...I don't know." 

The waitress set Dean's plate in front of him and he smiled at her before he pushed it aside and reached his hand across the table. "Cas, don't do this." Cas finally reached out and placed his hand in Dean's. "Do you regret it? Did I hurt you but you don't want to tell me? Talk to me."

"I don't regret anything, Dean. Not anything that happened physically between us last night."

Dean dropped his head and took a deep breath before he lifted it again and looked at Cas, "Maybe I shouldn't have asked you what happened that night. It's not like it really matters anyway. What's done is done and I don't care how we got here, we're here." He could see Cas's eyes becoming watery. "Listen to me, Cas. You told me that nothing was taken from you, that whatever it was, you found it. This whole memory thing, yes it has sucked. I found things out about John, but that's the worst thing that has happened. I'm still working, Sam is still writing, and then there's this. You said that things weren't like this before, and if that's true then I wouldn't want to go back. I don't want you crawling out of my bed crying, Cas. Hell, I don't want you crawling out of my bed at all, but I really don't want you to remember last night because of the questions that I asked. I shouldn't have asked them, not when I did, and I'm sorry for that. I should have waited. The way that I felt last night, how close we were, those are the things that I want you to remember."

"I do, Dean. It was just...intense. All of it."

"I know it was. It was for me too, I have no memory of ever having touched somebody else. All that I know, all that I can think about is you."

Cas squeezed Dean's hand before he let go, "Eat your burger before it gets cold." 

"So you're good? We're good?"

"Yes, Dean, we're good."

\-------------------------

"You know that they're sleeping together, right?" Sam said casually, staring at his computer screen.

Bobby didn't even look up from his desk, "I'm guessing that you somehow caught on to it, because I know that Dean ain't the type to tell us about something like that. I'm also guessing that you expect me to be surprised. I figured that if they weren't already, they eventually would. What I do wonder is why in the hell you are telling me this when it's none of our damn business. Don't you think that maybe him finding comfort in that angel boy might be for the best? I just hope that they're treatin' my couch with respect."

"Yeah, so do I." Sam mumbled when he realized where he was sitting.

\------------------------ 

"So, Sam told me that when you were up at the cabin he noticed some shingles were coming loose."

"Yeah, I would have fixed them but I didn't have the right tools with me. I can head up tomorrow." Dean was more than happy to go back up there, get some alone time with Cas.

"Why don't you take that brother of yours with you, and make him leave his damn computer here. A little fresh air and manual labor might actually do you some good, Sam."

Sam lifted his head in surprise, "Uh yeah, sure, I can go with. Not a problem."

Dean was trying to catch Cas's eye, but they could all see through Bobby. He wanted Sam and Dean to spend some time together. If Dean really was involved with that angel boy, which he didn't doubt, then Sam needed to know that he wasn't being pushed out of his brother's life. "Bobby's right about the fresh air, you never leave this house, Sam." Cas said, looking right at Dean. 

"Then it's settled, you boys can leave tomorrow and I have plenty around here to keep Cas busy." 

"Sounds good," Dean nodded, taking a sip of his coffee.

\-------------------------

Dean was still breathing heavily when he rolled on his side and pulled Cas to him. He knew that one day soon he may have to talk to Sam and Bobby, explain what was going on, because they needed a bed. The couch wasn't big enough, and the floor was uncomfortable. He wanted space to move around, he wanted to explore Cas's body without worrying about one of them falling. "I know it's only a couple of days, but I'm still going to miss you. Or at least parts of you," he grinned, waiting for the gentle slap or fake indignation from Cas.

"These parts will be here waiting for you when you get home." Cas panted. Ever since they'd gone to the cabin, they'd spent part of every night together. It was getting painful for Cas to put his clothes on and walk up those stairs, they both felt it. "It will be good for you. You and Sam haven't spent enough time together, and you need to."

"I know, and I want to. But I'm still going to miss parts of you." Dean laughed. He didn't know why, but he was almost nervous to go with Sam. He didn't know what Sam might want to talk about, and there were things that Dean didn't want to hear. "But you have fun here with Bobby and his home cooking." 

Dean finally got the indignant slap he'd been waiting for.

\-------------------------

"Bobby asked if we'd check for mice and other critters that may be finding their way in while we're up here." Dean called over his shoulder, opening the cabin door and dropping his bag.

"I'm not doing a damn thing tonight other than grabbing a beer and propping my feet up." Sam sighed, dropping his bag next to Dean's and dragging the cooler into the kitchen. They'd gotten a late start and it had been a long drive.

"Hey, grab me one," Dean yelled.

Sam came back from the kitchen, a cold bottle in each hand, and sank down onto the couch. "I'm actually glad that Bobby made me leave my laptop at home. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go blind staring at that thing."

"It's a labor of love, Sammy. I have to give you credit, you are dedicated. What got you into all of that shit anyway?"

"Bobby's always been kind of a nut about it. I guess it just stuck with me. I didn't expect to leave school, and my brain was still in study mode. Bobby's library was there and I took advantage of it." The lies were coming a lot faster and easier, especially when he was able to pepper them with the truth.

"Yeah, that whole situation really sucks. I'm sorry you had to go through that, Sammy. Was I around? I mean were we close?"

"You were the only one who was really there for me after I lost Jess. You were there the night that I found her," Sam said quietly. He had left with Dean to find their father and Dean was just dropping him off when he found Jessica.

"Oh shit, really?"

"I'm guessing that you want to know what happened, but you don't want to ask?"

"If you don't want to talk about it..."

"No," Sam said, "I don't think I've talked about it enough. I shut down after she died. I got home that night and somebody had broken into our apartment. She was already gone by the time I got to her."

"Did they..."

"Catch the guy? Yeah, he got caught. He got what was coming to him." Sam remembered the night that he and Dean finally cornered the yellow eyed demon, the night that Dean killed it.

"But I was there for you? I mean, I hear the stories about what happened when we were kids but we never really talk about what's happened as adults."

Sam sighed, "Dad was pissed when I left for school. He and I barely spoke. You were still traveling with him out of some sense of, I don't know, obligation. You've always been loyal, Dean. Almost too loyal sometimes. So dad was angry, but you didn't give up on me. You stayed by my side after I left school, we stuck together after dad died. We've always just had each other. I know that no matter what happens, you'll always have my back."

"I will," Dean said, pulling the bottle to his lips. "You, Bobby, Cas...I'd do anything for you guys."

Sam knew that if he wanted to ask Dean about Cas, now would be the time. But, he also knew that it really was none of his business and that Dean would tell him when he was ready. "I know you would, Dean. You already have."

They sat in silence, Dean thinking about the things that Sam and Cas had told him over the last few months, Sam thinking about what had happened over the years. "So you never wanted to move on? Find another girl, settle down, have a few kids and build a white picket fence?"

"Jess was my white picket fence. I pictured a life where I went straight out of college into a position as a jr. partner at a law firm, married Jess, started a family. I can't imagine that picture with anybody else in it. I mean I've had my moments, it's not like I haven't gotten laid. I just don't see myself getting attached again."

Dean got up to grab another beer and gave Sam a questioning look. Sam just nodded and watched his brother's retreating back. This was the type of conversation he'd been wanting to have. "So what about me?" Dean asked when he flopped back on the couch.

"What do you mean?"

"You know, mushy romantic love shit."

"Not that I know of. I think that we're both once in a lifetime kind of guys. Jess was mine, and maybe you just haven't found yours." They both knew that he had, but neither one said anything about it. "But you haven't exactly been lonely." Sam grinned.

"I figured that out when I found the big ass box of condoms in my bag. Hey, at least I've played it safe." Dean laughed.

The conversation veered away from any serious subjects. Dean learned what his favorite foods, movies, and sports were. He learned what Sam's were. He also learned that Cas had been right when he said that in a lot of ways, they were polar opposites.

\-------------------------

"I can't believe it fucking rained last night. This ladder better not slide around when I try to climb it, I seriously don't want to end up on my ass." 

"I'm sure it will be fine, Dean. I just hope that the roof isn't too slippery. And that it doesn't start raining while we're up there. You climb and I'll hand you the tools."

They spent most of the day crawling around, fixing shingles that had shifted, pulling off rotted ones and replacing them. It was wet and cold, but they finally got it done.

"We're lucky that the damn thing didn't leak last night. I'm freezing my ass off, do you mind if I grab a quick shower and change? I know it'll take forever for the water to heat up again..."

"Nah, go ahead." Sam called over his shoulder. It had been a long time since he and his brother had worked on something together, something other than hunting. He crawled around on the roof a little bit longer, checking to make sure that they'd fixed everything. He was a perfectionist and he knew it, that's why he didn't mind Dean heading in the cabin first. When he was satisfied with the job they'd done, he climbed down the ladder, and carried the tools to the car. It was still strange to open the trunk and not see any type of gun or blade. For as long as he could remember, that's what the trunk was for, a weapon stash. He put the tools in and headed towards the cabin, blowing on his numb hands to warm them up.

"Is there hot water yet?"

"I don't know, " Dean answered without looking up. "I tried not to use it all." He turned his head and watched Sam dig through his bag for dry clothes. When Sam stood up, satisfied with whatever he had found, Dean leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. He was exhausted and already missed Cas. He'd spent last night on the couch alone, and now he had to spend another. He desperately wanted to feel Cas's arms around him. 

\-------------------------

"Okay angel boy, I really do have work for you." Bobby said, smiling at Cas. He hadn't known the kid for very long, but he had grown fond of him. "I have a couple of volumes written in enochian. Considering that's your first language and I don't know a damn thing about it, I figured now would be a good time to ask for your help."

"Sure, Bobby. What do you have?"

They spent two days sharing the large desk, Cas translating the ancient language of the angels while Bobby wrote furiously on a notepad. He knew that it would be a hell of a lot easier to use Sam's computer, but he was old school and didn't trust technology. If he wrote it down and put it in his desk, then he'd know where to find it instead of running the risk of it getting lost out in space somewhere. Sam would try to explain to him that he could back up his work, but it was all a bunch of nonsense. There was nothing wrong with doing things the old fashioned way. 

\-------------------------

The drive home was quiet, but not uncomfortable. The brothers felt closer than they probably ever had. Sam had never realized how bad the hunting life really was until he wasn't living it anymore. He'd never realized how much being a hunter, being the best, affected Dean until he wasn't hunting anymore. The anger that he'd always seen in his brother was mostly gone, maybe it was lying under the surface, but it's not what defined him. He wasn't a caged animal who doubted himself all of the time, who hated what he saw every time he looked into a mirror. He was the guy that Sam knew he always could be if he were given the chance. Sam silently thanked Cas for not asking Gabriel to return Dean's memory. That life was behind them, and it needed to stay that way.

\-------------------------

Dean had been outside working on his car for days. He insisted that she needed an oil change and a tune up, but it was obvious that something was on his mind. They had all learned not to worry, they knew that he was probably trying to reconcile his conversations with Sam. It wasn't always easy when he got new information, heard new stories. He tried to picture them, or think about how things would sound, and he would get lost in his head. His car had always been a distraction so for the most part, they left him alone. Except at night.

\-------------------------

"Hey baby," Dean said quietly when he saw Cas crossing the room. He waited to feel him crawl under the covers, but when he didn't, Dean sat up. "Everything okay?"

"Everything is fine." Cas said quietly, stopping in front of the couch and pulling his shirt over his head.

"Hhhmmm, striptease. I like this." Dean grinned. He pulled Cas between his legs, running his hands up and down the taut skin of his chest and stomach, reaching out to undo his pants and slide them down his hips. Cas knelt down and wrapped his arms around Dean, pulling him into a heated kiss. Cas was hungry, and Dean was ready. He felt Cas reach under the couch, then press the bottle of lube against his palm. "So that's what you want," Dean murmured against his lips, he knew that Cas loved feeling his cock inside of him. "But I don't want to be on my back this time..." Cas whispered. Dean was already hard, hearing Cas say that he wanted to ride his cock made him grow painfully hard. They slid Dean's clothes off and he leaned back, pulling Cas on top of him, feeling the sensitive skin of Cas's inner thighs against his legs. Cas leaned over and pulled the chain on the lamp, "and I want you to be able to see it." Dean had never wanted him more than he did in that moment. He moaned, already feeling his stomach tense, he didn't want him, he needed him. Cas was always amazed at how he seemed to feel Dean's hands everywhere at once. He leaned in for the deep kiss, he was needy tonight. He was already slowly grinding when he felt the full lips, the gentle teeth, fingers digging into his flesh while Dean groaned in anticipation. He'd opened the bottle of lube and was dripping it on his fingers while Cas watched, knowing what was going to happen next, waiting for it. He was ready for the first finger, but the second one still took him by surprise. He knew that he would be feeling it sliding against his sweet spot, and his body would visibly shiver just thinking about it. Every time with Dean felt new. His hips rocked against the fingers, a moan was building when he finally lifted himself up and moved closer so that he could slide down Dean's slick cock. He had to grasp Dean's shoulders to steady himself and he felt the electric sensation course through his body when he pressed his hand against the place where he had marked Dean forever. He bent in for a kiss and could feel impatient fingers digging into his hips, his thighs, just waiting for him to move. He leaned back as far as he could, letting Dean watch as he slid his body up and down, trying to stay quiet but unable to stop the moans from passing through his lips when Dean's cock grazed his sweet spot. Fingers reached out to tease him, lightly running up his shaft and across his head. Just feeling Dean inside of him was almost enough to make him come, but Dean loved touching him, stroking him, making him come first. Cas's movements were frustratingly slow, he wanted it to last, but Dean didn't play fair. He started stroking, slowly at first and then building, touching him in all of the places that he needed to be touched. Dean's name was nothing more than a strangled cry before Cas pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and felt the final moan build in his chest as he let himself go. This was the moment that Dean loved, when he felt like Cas had gone to another place and was just waiting for him. He gripped Cas's thighs and started to rock, encouraging him to slide up and down faster. When he felt the build up, how close he was, he reached around and grabbed Cas's shoulders from behind thrusting his hips and pulling Cas down against him. He came so hard, almost painfully, that he couldn't move. He couldn't think straight and all he could see were those blue eyes with lust blown pupils. They gently rocked until Dean went limp and Cas was shaking. He reached over and turned the lamp off, still holding Cas's trembling body against him. "Are you okay, baby?" Dean asked. Cas just nodded. What had just happened was raw, it was primal, but it was emotional. Every time they touched, the connection grew stronger and Cas knew that eventually, sooner than later, he wouldn't be able to get off of the couch and walk up the stairs alone. Dean wiped off their sweat soaked bodies, laid on his side, and pulled Cas's back against his chest, feeling Cas shiver when he placed his lips on the back of his neck and across his shoulders. He didn't want to let go, he never wanted to let go. "I need to tell them, Cas. If they haven't already figured it out, I need them to know because I can't keep watching you walk away from me. I need you here, I need to feel you." Cas pressed his back against Dean and turned his head, waiting to feel the full lips against his. "A lot of things still don't make sense to me, but this does." Dean whispered before kissing Cas gently. 

Cas could feel the tears welling up when he bent down to kiss Dean before he went upstairs to the bed that he didn't sleep in.

\-------------------------

Bobby was sitting at his desk, trying to map out hunts and match up solo hunters to work as teams while pretending that he was doing research. Sam was on the couch, leaning towards his open laptop on the coffee table, showing Cas some new chapters he'd written, asking for his opinion. The fire was burning low in the fireplace, the scotch was room temperature, and Dean was on edge. They could all feel it, but nobody dared to ask. He was pacing, moving from room to room, drinking a little more than usual. Bobby was concerned, Sam was worried, and Cas was afraid. They all knew that watching him, making him feel cornered, could lead to a blow up. They'd been through this type of thing before, but not since he'd lost his memory. They let him try to work through it while they tried to lose themselves in the menial things that they were doing. 

Sam and Cas saw the shadow move across the coffee table and stop. "How's the book coming, Sammy?" Dean asked softly. Before Sam could answer they heard, and felt, a thud as something landed next to the laptop. Bobby looked up and his eyes widened. Sam and Cas were rooted into place, neither one could move. "So there are actually two writers in the family." Dean said quietly, picking their fathers journal up from where he'd just dropped it.

"Dean...where did you...how..." Sam stuttered.

"Where did I find it? Up at the cabin. I came across it when I accidentally dug through the wrong bag looking for dry clothes."

"So you've had it..."

"I've had it for days."

Bobby quickly downed the last bit of amber liquid in his glass and poured himself another. He knew that things were about to get ugly, real ugly.

"I haven't read it, if that's what you're wondering. I haven't even opened it. I thought about it, but I couldn't. When did he start writing this, Sam?"

"Right after she died," Sam whispered.

"And he stopped?"

"Right before he died."

"So our lives, my life, my entire fucking life is right here in my hand. I could sit down, open this up, and learn everything that we went through up until the day that he died? What would happen if I did? Would I find out things that you haven't told me? Things that none of you have told me?" Dean's voice was rising, his body was starting to shake.

"Yes," Sam said quietly. "But we have our reasons. We're trying to protect you."

"I'm guessing that things probably went from bad to worse after he died? So if I read this, if you finally decide to be fucking honest with me, will it change things?"

"Yes." Sam could feel the tears running down his face, but he still couldn't move. Dean was going to make them tell the truth.

"Like what? Damnit Sam, look at me!"

Sam lifted his head and saw the anger and confusion in his brother's blazing eyes. "We just wanted to protect you," he repeated.

"What would this book change?" Dean yelled.

Sam finally stood up and faced his brother, "Everything, Dean. It would change everything. There are things in there that are so ugly you probably wouldn't believe them if you read them. I don't want you to remember, I don't want you to know about those things. The way that bastard raised us, the things that we saw, the things that we knew. Those things were crippling. You never lived, you survived, and some days you barely did that."

Dean was shaking and openly crying, his knuckles turning white from gripping the journal so tightly. He turned his head and looked up at the ceiling. "Cas?" he asked softly. "If I was still the man that I was when this book was written, would we be together?"

"No." Cas said quietly, standing up and taking a step towards Dean. "If you feel like you need to know, we can't stop you."

Dean brought his head down and locked eyes with Cas. "So this" he said, shaking the journal. "This right here is ugly enough that I could lose you because of it?"

"Yes."

Dean turned away and threw the journal into the fireplace, "Fuck you John Winchester." he whispered before he walked out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

They felt the reverberation of the door hitting the frame through their stunned silence. "We can't let him..." Sam finally started.

"Cas?" Bobby barked, "Cas?"

Cas finally turned towards Bobby.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes..." Cas finally whispered.

"Then he needs you. He needs you right now more than he ever has. He's not going to be easy to deal with, we all know that, but you need to go to him."

Cas nodded and followed Dean outside.

\-------------------------

Cas wandered the maze and called for Dean until his voice was hoarse. He was scared, his heart was pounding, he could barely breathe when he turned a corner and saw the outline of Dean's body kneeling on the ground. He ran to him and knelt next to him, tentatively reaching out to touch him before Dean pushed his hand away. "Go, Cas. Just go." Dean sobbed.

"Don't do this." Cas whispered. "Please, don't do this."

Dean stood up and started to walk when Cas reached out and grabbed his arm. "Don't pull away from me now, Dean. You threw that book into the fireplace for a reason. You don't really want to know. Yes, we've lied to you, but we had our reasons."

"Yeah," Dean said, slowly turning around to face Cas. "You've been protecting me. From what, Cas?"

"Dean..."

"No! What have you been protecting me from?"

"We've been protecting you from yourself! You've always hated what you saw when you looked in the mirror. You were broken in ways that I can't even explain. You were angry and bitter. You were a victim of circumstance and you hated the man that he wanted you to be. You could never see what I see. No matter how hard I tried or what I did, you couldn't." Cas sobbed. "All I have ever wanted was for you to believe in yourself. You, this man standing here with me right now is who you are supposed to be, and I've always known that. Have you been happy, Dean? When you work on your car or one of Bobby's trucks? When you sit with Sam and talk about his research? When we make love?"

"You know I have, Cas." Dean said quietly.

"Then don't push me away, don't let this change things."

"You knew me when I was that man, when I was angry and bitter, when I hated myself. But you couldn't be with that version of me."

"I lived my life knowing and accepting that I wasn't capable of love, of any emotion. I didn't even understand what any of it meant until you came into my life. I fell in love with you the first time that I saw you. You always knew it, but you never thought that you deserved it. Even at your lowest points, I loved you." Cas broke down. "I have always loved you, Dean. I always will. I look at you, you touch me, and I feel it, you understand now. You understand why. You see the things that I see. If you pull away from that it will tear me apart. You told me that you need me. Well I need you. I am not losing you. Not tonight. Not like this." Cas was still holding Dean's arm, he could barely stand up, he was dizzy and sick. They locked eyes in the dim moonlight, tears still rolling down Cas's cheeks.

"I can't do this," Dean whispered. Cas just stared at him, he couldn't tear his eyes away. "I can't let him still have power over me, I can't lose everything because of his fucked up ideas. Come here, baby." He pulled Cas against him and held his trembling body. "I do need you, Cas. I need to be the man that you see. I need to hear you tell me that you love me, I need to feel you. I need to leave a past that I don't even remember behind me. You aren't going to lose me, not tonight, not ever. I knew that I loved you that morning at the cabin when we were sitting on that rock. I knew then that you are my everything." They held each other in the cold until Cas finally tilted his head, hoping to feel full lips against his. The kiss was long and tender. "So where do we go from here?" 

"We go back into that house that we share with our family, we go upstairs to our room, and you let me show you how much I love you."

Dean pulled Cas against him cradling the back of his head and kissing him gently before letting go and intertwining their fingers. He lifted Cas's hand to his mouth. "You already have, but I'll let you keep showing me for as long as you'll have me. I love you, Cas. Nobody is going to take that from us." 

They walked slowly in the dark, their hands held tightly together.


End file.
